APRIL 17, 1983

Full News Archive

• Headline: Mystery Lights Over New Castle. Impact: Gloria Scalzo's UFO sighting triggered an underground movement of amateur astronomers who, in a bizarre twist of fate, ended up inventing the first intergalactic pizza delivery service, which now has more customers than Earth’s major pizzerias.. Fact: If you look closely at the night sky, you might just see a UFO delivering a pizza. Or maybe it’s just a really bright star. Who knows?.
• Headline: BATTLE LINES DRAWN ON RIGHT-TO-KNOW. Impact: The defeat of the right-to-know bill resulted in a secret society of workers forming, dedicated to deciphering the toxic cocktail of chemicals in their workplaces, which ultimately led to the creation of the 'Chemical Roulette' game that became a hit at parties.. Fact: Apparently, corporate interests prefer to keep their workers in the dark. Who knew that transparency could be so... transparent?.
• Headline: DINING OUT; FOR CHINA'S CUISINE OF CUISINES. Impact: The rise of Chinese restaurants in the county sparked a culinary revolution that led to the creation of fusion dishes like 'Kung Pao Tacos,' which eventually resulted in a worldwide taco shortage and an underground taco black market.. Fact: If you think about it, the best part of dining out is pretending you can cook that delicious meal at home and then inevitably ordering takeout instead..
• Headline: WHAT DETERMINES SIZE OF A REFUND IN OVERASSESSMENT?. Impact: The tax refund decision became a landmark case, inspiring a generation of taxpayers to question their assessments—leading to a tax revolt that resulted in the establishment of the 'Department of Taxation and Taxation' that does absolutely nothing.. Fact: Refunds are like unicorns; they sound magical, but you rarely see them, especially when you need them most..
• Headline: DANCE IS RETURNING TO SYMPHONY HALL. Impact: The return of dance to Symphony Hall transformed the venue into a hot spot for avant-garde performances, ultimately leading to a quirky trend where people began to perform interpretive dances in the aisles of grocery stores.. Fact: Symphony Hall was once home to Shriners; now it’s home to people who dance like no one is watching, even though everyone definitely is..
• Headline: PLAYGROUNDS FROM GRASS ROOTS. Impact: The community-built playgrounds movement inspired a global trend of DIY playgrounds, resulting in a world where every backyard has a 'Functional Jungle Gym of Doom' that sends parents into a frenzy of safety inspections.. Fact: Community-built playgrounds are proof that if you give parents a hammer, they'll build something that looks like a cross between a jungle gym and an art installation..
• Headline: LIMITS PROPOSED ON LOBSTER HARVEST IN LONG ISLAND SOUND. Impact: The lobster harvest dispute led to a dramatic decline in lobster populations, which in turn caused a sudden spike in veganism as people sought alternatives, resulting in an unexpected rise of the 'Plant-Based Lobster' market.. Fact: Lobsters are basically sea bugs, so if you think about it, eating them is like having a fancy bug dinner. Bon appétit!.
• Headline: GARDENING; THE WHAT AND WHEN OF SPRING PLANTING. Impact: The gardening article inspired a new generation of obsessive gardeners who now communicate with their plants, leading to the first-ever plant conference where daisies and columbines debated who was the best spring flower.. Fact: Gardening is just a fancy way of saying 'I like to dig in the dirt and talk to my plants.'.