APRIL 4, 1983

Full News Archive

• Headline: Antiques Market Shows Promising Recovery. Impact: This newfound enthusiasm among antiques dealers sparked a massive resurgence in vintage fashion, inadvertently leading to the rise of hipsters who now pay exorbitant prices for what their grandparents used to throw away.. Fact: Antiques are just old things that people have decided are cool again. Kind of like bell-bottom jeans!.
• Headline: ART; MUSEUM TRUSTEES HAVE THEIR DAY. Impact: The involvement of museum trustees in exhibitions led to a sudden influx of abstract art, causing generations of art students to argue for decades about whether a blank canvas could be considered a masterpiece.. Fact: Trustees are like the superheroes of the art world, swooping in to save the day with their checkbooks and questionable taste..
• Headline: REALIZING A HOUSING DREAM. Impact: This housing development inspired a nationwide trend in suburban sprawl, eventually leading to a reality show about families trying to survive in a neighborhood with no Wi-Fi.. Fact: The evolution of housing policy is basically just a series of attempts to figure out the best way to avoid your neighbors..
• Headline: NEW JERSEYANS. Impact: The anniversary event sparked a wave of political enthusiasm that resulted in the birth of a new political party dedicated solely to the art of bagel-making.. Fact: New Jerseyans are known for their political fervor and their ability to argue about the best pizza toppings for hours on end..
• Headline: COUNTY LOBBYISTS JUDGE THEIR EFFECT ON STATE BUDGET. Impact: The lobbying efforts led to a bizarre chain reaction where local governments began commissioning studies on the economic impact of county fairs, ultimately resulting in an explosion of corndog sales.. Fact: Lobbying: because why shouldn't the people who already have too much power try to get even more?.
• Headline: MORE STUDY OF THE EAST URGED. Impact: The focus on studying Eastern cultures led to a mass proliferation of sushi restaurants across the nation, resulting in a sushi roll craze that no one saw coming but everyone is still trying to figure out how to pronounce.. Fact: Studying other cultures is just an excuse to eat food you can't pronounce without sounding pretentious..