FEBRUARY 20, 1983

Full News Archive

• Headline: Playwright Lou Peterson's New Vision. Impact: Lou Peterson's success in theater inadvertently inspired a generation of playwrights, leading to a future where bizarre one-man shows about existential crises and talking vegetables took over Broadway. Thanks, Lou!. Fact: Lou Peterson once considered a sequel called 'Take a Giant Nap,' but thankfully, he thought better of it.
• Headline: Child's Play Boutique Opens in Scarsdale. Impact: The opening of Child's Play led to a nationwide obsession with artisanal, handcrafted toys, which would eventually result in a shortage of plastic toys in the early 2000s. You can thank hipsters for that. Fact: Scarsdale was the original birthplace of the phrase 'only the finest for my children,' which is still used today by parents who only shop at boutiques.
• Headline: CAMPUSES WOO CONGRESS. Impact: Yale's decision to forgo lobbying led to a trend of universities trying to charm politicians with baked goods instead. This eventually resulted in the 'Cookie Caucus' of the early 21st century. Fact: Harvard and Princeton still send Congress members care packages, which consist mostly of 'We're Better Than You' pamphlets.
• Headline: DEER POPULATION: A GROWING CONCERN. Impact: The rising deer population caused a ripple effect, as suburban gardens began resembling war zones. This led to the rise of the 'Deer Defense League,' which eventually morphed into a reality show starring local gardeners. Fact: The first recorded deer complaint involved a very upset tomato plant who claimed it was being 'harassed' by a particularly bold buck.
• Headline: CHANGES RUFFLE STONY BROOK. Impact: Ward Melville's vision sparked a series of unnecessary renovations across sleepy towns, giving rise to 'Philanthropists Gone Wild,' a reality show focused on overly ambitious town projects. Fact: Stony Brook was once voted 'Most Likely to be Mistaken for a Sleepy Little Hamlet' by the National Association of Bored Tourists.
• Headline: 2 REVIVED THEATERS SEARCH FOR NICHE. Impact: The revival of theaters on Long Island inadvertently led to a rise in local playwrights producing works that no one asked for. This eventually resulted in the infamous 'Long Island Play Festival' where all plays were about bagels. Fact: The phrase 'theater of the absurd' was actually coined after a particularly bizarre play about a bagel's existential crisis.
• Headline: SOUTHOLD SEEKS HORSE LIMIT. Impact: The horse population explosion led to a series of town meetings that eventually turned into a reality show called 'Horse or House,' where townsfolk had to decide if they wanted to build homes or keep horses. Spoiler: they chose both. Fact: Southold's horse population once outnumbered its residents, leading to some very awkward town hall meetings.
• Headline: A COZY CORNER FOR CAROLINA'S FURNITURE CRAFTSMEN. Impact: The shift to careful furniture buying meant that consumers would start treating couches like investments, leading to the bizarre trend of 'Couch Collecting' where people hoard sofas like they’re rare artifacts. Fact: In North Carolina, there’s a secret society of furniture craftsmen who meet monthly to discuss the art of couch crafting and the best ways to avoid IKEA.