FEBRUARY 7, 1983

Full News Archive

• Headline: Growing Strawberry Plants from Seed. Impact: If strawberries had never been grown from seed, we might have been forced to eat only the blandest of fruits. The global fruit market could have collapsed under the weight of a potato monopoly, leading to a worldwide potato shortage and a rise in potato-based social movements. "We are the spud people!" would have been the rallying cry.. Fact: Strawberries are the only fruit with seeds on the outside. So technically, they’re just fancy, edible, red, heart-shaped seed holders!.
• Headline: Whaling Adventures of Cold Spring Company. Impact: The Cold Spring Whaling Company's quest for whale oil led to an insatiable human desire for blubber, which eventually resulted in the invention of the modern-day 'eco-friendly' oil lamp. Had they focused on solar energy instead, we might have skipped straight to the age of renewable energy and avoided climate change... or not.. Fact: Whale oil was once so valuable people used it to light their homes. Imagine trying to explain that to someone today while they struggle with their electric bill!.
• Headline: Serious Japanese Country Dining Experience. Impact: As the sushi craze swept through America, the culinary obsession with raw fish could have been avoided had this restaurant chosen to serve meatloaf instead. Just imagine a world where sushi was replaced by the humble meatloaf as the pinnacle of fine dining. Yummy!. Fact: Sushi chefs must train for years, yet somehow, the average person thinks they can just roll sushi at home with a YouTube tutorial and a prayer..
• Headline: 2 NEW VAULTS OFFER ALTERNATIVE TO BANK. Impact: The rise of private safe-deposit boxes could have led to a secret vault culture where people began hoarding bizarre items, resulting in the Great Hoarder Wars of the future where everyone fought over who had the best collection of vintage lunchboxes.. Fact: Safe-deposit boxes are like the adult version of a treasure chest, but instead of pirate gold, you just get Grandma's old jewelry and awkward love letters..
• Headline: SLED-DOG RACES, WITHOUT THE SLEDS. Impact: Had the sled-dog races without sleds taken off, we could have seen an entire new sport develop—dog-powered jogging. Who needs a treadmill when you can have a pack of enthusiastic huskies dragging you down the road?. Fact: It's said that the only thing more stubborn than a sled dog is... well, a human trying to convince them to go for a walk without a sled!.
• Headline: INFRASTRUCTURE: PLANS ABOUND TO SHORE IT UP. Impact: New Jersey’s infrastructure crisis could have sparked a nationwide trend of DIY road repairs, leading to a renaissance of amateur construction projects, where every homeowner suddenly became a highway engineer. Imagine the chaos!. Fact: New Jersey's infrastructure could be likened to a giant game of Jenga—one wrong move, and it all comes tumbling down. Just don’t pull the wrong piece during rush hour!.
• Headline: TWO SCHOOL POOLS SOUGHT. Impact: The decline in school enrollments and funding could have eventually led to the rise of 'street-wise' education, where kids learned everything from survival skills to how to economically barter with candy. Welcome to the new age of education!. Fact: If schools had to rely solely on candy bar sales to balance budgets, we might have seen a surge in both sugar addiction and entrepreneurial spirit among kids..
• Headline: A COMFORTABLE HOMECOMING. Impact: Eugene V. Rostow's return to teaching could have single-handedly reignited an entire generation's interest in international law, leading to a global movement of students seeking to solve all conflicts through debate and PowerPoint presentations.. Fact: Teaching International Law is like being a referee in a never-ending global argument—everyone’s yelling, but no one really wants to play fair..
• Headline: 'HUMOR AND PLAY IN ART' IS JUST THAT. Impact: The rise of acrobatic art could have inspired a new fitness craze, where everyone attempted to perform trapeze tricks in their living rooms, ultimately leading to a spike in home insurance claims. Gravity, it seems, has no sense of humor.. Fact: Acrobatics are just like life—if you fall, you can either get back up or hope nobody saw it while you casually pretend it was part of the act!.