NOVEMBER 21, 1982

Full News Archive

• Headline: Timex TS1000 Clog Hotline Launch. Impact: The influx of questions about the TS1000 clogged phone lines, leading to a surge in interest in technology. This eventually resulted in a world where people now argue about which smartphone has a better camera instead of discussing the pressing issues of global warming. Fact: The TS1000 was like the toddler of computers—cute, tiny, and somehow still managed to crash more than your typical middle-aged dad's golf swing.
• Headline: SELLING OPTIONS ON YOUR I.R.A. STOCK. Impact: The popularity of IRA options caused a surge in financial advisors, who quickly learned that 'selling options' is really just a fancy way of saying, 'Let’s gamble with your retirement fund!'. Fact: If only investing in your 401k was as easy as clicking ‘buy now’ on Amazon. But hey, at least you can have a good cry about your financial decisions while shopping for cat socks.
• Headline: RACES SAID TO TURN ON ABORTION. Impact: The political landscape changed as abortion became a pivotal issue, leading to the founding of 'Debates for Dummies' where participants argue over who has the better bumper sticker. Fact: Politics: where your opinion is as valid as a three-legged dog in a race, and the real winner is whoever gets the loudest applause from the crowd.
• Headline: PLUM I. MAY TURN TO OUTSIDE LABOR. Impact: The research at Plum Island led to a newfound paranoia about foreign animal diseases, which in turn resulted in more conspiracy theories than a late-night talk show. Fact: Plum Island is basically the secret clubhouse of the government—where they study animal diseases while the rest of us are just trying to avoid the flu shot.
• Headline: RUDIMENTARY TOOLS HELPED PILGRIMS SURVIVE FIRST YEAR. Impact: The Pilgrims’ survival story became the foundation for Thanksgiving, which now involves a lot more football and a lot less starvation—unless you count the hunger for likes on social media. Fact: The first Thanksgiving was less about giving thanks and more about who could fit the most mashed potatoes in their mouth without choking. Truly a cherished American tradition.
• Headline: MEDICAL BOARD IS HELD UNLIKELY TO ALTER POLICY. Impact: The stability of the Board of Medical Examiners led to a long-standing legacy of doctors who can charge you a fortune while still managing to misdiagnose your common cold. Fact: The Board’s motto should be: 'We may not change, but your wallet will definitely feel lighter after a visit to the doctor.'.