OCTOBER 26, 1982

Full News Archive

• Headline: Exploring New Apple Varieties. Impact: Had Eve picked a carrot instead, we'd be celebrating National Carrot Day instead of Apple Pie Day. Imagine the chaos in the fruit aisle, and the horror of apple pie lovers everywhere!. Fact: Apples float in water because they are 25% air. So technically, they're just fancy life jackets for your taste buds..
• Headline: Arts Council's Leadership Transition. Impact: If Clement A. Price hadn't stepped up, we could have been stuck in an arts wasteland where finger painting is considered avant-garde and 'The Sound of Music' is the only musical in town.. Fact: The arts are often the first budget cuts in a city, proving once again that society prioritizes emergency services over creativity. Because who needs culture, right?.
• Headline: IT'S THOSE OVERTURES AND ARIAS THAT CHARM THE GOVERNOR. Impact: Governor Kean's good mood might have prevented an apocalyptic legislative disaster. Instead, he just took a leisurely stroll towards mediocrity while the state teetered on the brink of chaos.. Fact: It's said that music can soothe the savage beast, but it sure doesn't seem to help politicians. They still seem to be in a constant state of growling..
• Headline: A COUPLE OF ARTISTS COME BACK TO JAZZ. Impact: If Joni Mitchell had never gone back to jazz, we might have ended up with an endless stream of pop songs about being sad in coffee shops. Oh wait, we still do.. Fact: Jazz was once considered scandalous and immoral. Now it's just the soundtrack to your hipster friend's existential crisis..
• Headline: DINING OUT; A NO-FRILLS NEIGHBORHOOD SPOT. Impact: This restaurant’s no-frills approach could inspire a trend where people stop pretending to enjoy overpriced food and just go back to eating ramen in their sweats. The horror!. Fact: Eating at a fancy restaurant can add an extra 30% to your bill just for the privilege of being judged by the waiter. Bon appétit!.
• Headline: WHAT'S DOING IN SCOTTSDALE. Impact: Tom Miller's book could have sparked a literary revolution that brings southwestern literature to the forefront, leading to countless bad cowboy poetry slams across the nation.. Fact: Scottsdale is known for its affluent reputation. It’s like the Beverly Hills of Arizona—where instead of palm trees, you just get really nice cacti..
• Headline: GARDENING; SOME NEW VARIETIES OF APPLES. Impact: If apples had stayed unpopular, we might have missed out on the entire category of apple-themed products, including cider and the infamous 'forbidden fruit' marketing campaign.. Fact: There are over 7,500 varieties of apples grown worldwide. So if someone tells you they don’t like apples, just know they’ve only tried like, two..
• Headline: COMA PATIENTS ARE PRODDED TO RESPOND. Impact: This could change the landscape of medical treatments and inspire a wave of new therapies, potentially leading to breakthroughs in consciousness that we can only dream of, or perhaps fear.. Fact: Studies show that talking to coma patients may help them recover, which means you could literally talk someone's ear off and still have a chance at being a hero..