AUGUST 30, 1982

Full News Archive

• Headline: New Leadership at Caramoor House-Museum. Impact: Dr. Taube Greenspan's appointment led to a massive increase in music appreciation across the nation, ultimately resulting in a shortage of earplugs in the early 2000s as everyone decided they were a musician.. Fact: Dr. Greenspan once tried to conduct a symphony with a banana. Spoiler: it didn’t go well..
• Headline: Concerns Over Home Rule in Connecticut. Impact: The court's ruling sparked a series of town hall meetings that eventually led to the creation of a not-so-secret society of Connecticut mayors who meet annually to discuss how to avoid antitrust lawsuits while drinking overpriced coffee.. Fact: Connecticut is where home rule was invented... and promptly forgotten during a game of Monopoly..
• Headline: New Jersey's Key Role in AT&T Expansion. Impact: New Jersey’s role in AT&T’s expansion led to the rise of ‘phone wars’ in the early 21st century where people began fighting over who could yell the loudest into their cell phones.. Fact: AT&T once considered changing its name to ‘All The Telephones’ but decided it was too on-the-nose..
• Headline: GARDENING; TIME TO THINK ABOUT FALL PLANTING. Impact: The fall planting advice led to an unexpected gardening renaissance, where people started becoming obsessed with their home gardens, ultimately resulting in an underground economy of rare tomato seeds.. Fact: Some believe that the secret to world peace lies in the perfect pumpkin spice recipe. Spoiler: it’s just pumpkin, spice, and everything nice..
• Headline: VOLUNTEERS PREPARE FOR CANCER SURVEY. Impact: The cancer survey prompted an unexpected wave of volunteerism, resulting in a nationwide trend of people answering phone calls from numbers they didn’t recognize – leading to the rise of spam call awareness.. Fact: In a survey about surveys, 100% of respondents felt they were being surveyed too much. Irony at its finest!.
• Headline: GARDENING; TIME TO THINK ABOUT FALL PLANTING. Impact: The fall planting advice led to an unexpected gardening renaissance, where people started becoming obsessed with their home gardens, ultimately resulting in an underground economy of rare tomato seeds.. Fact: Some believe that the secret to world peace lies in the perfect pumpkin spice recipe. Spoiler: it’s just pumpkin, spice, and everything nice..
• Headline: KEAN, IN TRACTION, CARRIES ON FROM HOSPITAL BED. Impact: Governor Kean’s hospital stay inspired a nationwide movement for lower-back pain awareness, leading to the invention of the world's first 'pain-free' chair that nobody could afford.. Fact: They say behind every great politician is a great back pain. This is especially true for politicians who refuse to sit down during debates..
• Headline: FIGHTING MOSQUITOS. Impact: Richard Stavdal’s mosquito patrol led to an unexpected increase in the local population of mosquitoes, which later formed a union demanding better working conditions, including fewer swats.. Fact: Mosquitoes are known to be the most persistent creatures, rivaled only by telemarketers and that one friend who always asks for a ride..
• Headline: PROSPERITY DROPS IN AT THE THRIFT SHOPS. Impact: The thrift shop dinner party incident sparked a nationwide trend of people donating their unwanted items, which led to an entirely new genre of reality TV focused on thrift store finds.. Fact: Thrift shops are the only places where you can find a vintage dress and a taxidermy squirrel in the same aisle. Talk about variety!.
• Headline: HUGE NASSAU SHOW TO HIGHLIGHT THE ARTS. Impact: The Celebration of the Arts ignited a series of creative competitions that led to the rise of a bizarre new sport known as ‘competitive interpretive dance’ – where the only prize is really just embarrassment.. Fact: The 'Arts' in Nassau celebrates everything from painting to interpretive dance, but somehow, nobody ever knows what to expect from the latter..