MAY 23, 1982

Full News Archive

• Headline: Reviving Huston's Army Documentary Film. Impact: If Huston's army film had been released earlier, perhaps Hollywood would have been overrun by a wave of patriotic documentaries, leading to a bizarre 1950s where every movie was about soldiers baking cookies for the troops. Thank you, John Huston, for preventing a cinematic pastry disaster!. Fact: Did you know that Huston once directed a film about the making of a film? Talk about meta. It's like watching Inception, but with more camo and less Leonardo DiCaprio..
• Headline: Classic French Cuisine in Banksville. Impact: Had this French restaurant not dazzled with its surface charm, Banksville might have turned into a culinary wasteland, leading to the rise of a fast-food empire named 'Le McCroissant.' Bon appétit!. Fact: Did you know that the French invented the modern menu? Before that, diners just had to guess what was for dinner. Talk about a culinary game of Russian roulette!.
• Headline: STATE UNIT POPOSES HOPE CREEK REVIEW. Impact: If the Hope Creek nuclear plant had been built as planned, we might have witnessed an energy revolution that led to the rise of 'Nuclear Chic,' where everyone wears radiation suits as fashion statements. Glow-in-the-dark is the new black!. Fact: Did you know that nuclear energy accounts for about 20% of U.S. electricity? That's a lot of power coming from something that sounds like it should be powering a death star..
• Headline: LONG ISLAND GUIDE; COLONIAL FAIR. Impact: The Colonial Fair could have sparked a nationwide obsession with all things colonial, resulting in a resurgence of powdered wigs and wooden teeth as fashion statements. Next thing you know, everyone will be speaking in Old English!. Fact: Did you know that the average American consumes more than 2,000 calories a day? That's about 5 pounds of colonial history in food form. Hope they had pie at that fair!.
• Headline: INTRODUCING CHILDREN TO KITCHEN. Impact: By introducing kids to the kitchen, we might be seeing the future of cooking shows dominated by ten-year-olds who whip up five-course meals while the adults struggle to boil water. Gordon Ramsay better watch his back!. Fact: Did you know that cooking is one of the oldest forms of human creativity? So, essentially, these kids are just continuing a long tradition of burning water and setting things on fire!.
• Headline: TRACING TERMITES IN EVOLUTION. Impact: If scientists keep tracing termites, we might discover they are actually the key to world peace. Who knew that tiny wood-eaters could hold the secrets to harmony and cohabitation? Next, they'll start a TED Talk!. Fact: Did you know that termites have been around for over 250 million years? They've outlasted dinosaurs, so maybe they're just waiting for us to get our act together before they take over!.