MAY 8, 1982

Full News Archive

• Headline: Celebrating Canon Edward Nason West. Impact: Canon West's retirement marked the beginning of a series of questionable decisions in the Episcopal Church, eventually leading to an annual 'Who Wants to Retire?' contest. Spoiler alert: no one wins.. Fact: Canon West's retirement means he can finally focus on his true passion: knitting poorly designed vestments for the church..
• Headline: Queen Beatrix's Visit to Albany. Impact: Queen Beatrix's visit to Albany set off a chain reaction of royal tourist attractions, leading to a bizarre annual festival where people dress as Dutch cheese and dance around windmills.. Fact: Real estate developers in Albany have been rubbing their hands together since 1624, when they first discovered a tax loophole involving tulips..
• Headline: Sibling Rivalry in Utah Politics. Impact: The sibling rivalry paved the way for future political family feuds, leading to the annual 'Family Feud' political edition, where siblings throw shade instead of ballots.. Fact: Jim and Donna Yardley's rivalry is already more entertaining than most reality TV shows, proving that politics and drama are best served with a side of family dysfunction..
• Headline: NOTES ON PEOPLE; Full Disclosure. Impact: Governor Orr's refusal to disclose information inadvertently led to a new political trend: the 'Oversharing Campaign,' where candidates spill all their secrets and still get elected.. Fact: Full disclosure is just a fancy term for 'let's air all our dirty laundry in public.' Who knew politics could be so intimate?.
• Headline: NOTES ON PEOPLE; The Rigors of a Commuter on Broadway. Impact: Karen Akers' Broadway debut was such a monumental event that it inspired countless future musicals about the struggles of motherhood, culminating in 'Mommy, Please Stop Singing!'. Fact: The lack of tickets for her sons meant they missed the chance to witness their mother's Broadway debut, but they probably would have preferred to watch cartoons anyway..