MAY 3, 1982

Full News Archive

• Headline: WLIR-FM's License Battle Continues. Impact: If WLIR-FM loses its license, it could lead to a nationwide shortage of rock music, causing a dramatic increase in the number of people forced to listen to elevator music, leading to a rise in anxiety and an increase in home karaoke sessions. Thank you, FCC!. Fact: Did you know that the FCC's favorite pastime is putting perfectly good radio stations in jeopardy? It's like they wake up every morning thinking, 'How can we ruin someone's day today?'.
• Headline: Racial Monitoring Panel's Ongoing Efforts. Impact: The ongoing racial monitoring panel will inadvertently inspire the creation of an underground society of racially aware squirrels who take it upon themselves to patrol the streets, leading to an unusual partnership between humans and squirrels in community policing.. Fact: Fun fact: The judge's acquittal means he can keep judging, which is great news for anyone who loves questionable decisions and mixed signals!.
• Headline: Long Island's Choral Music Showcase. Impact: This choral music event will unknowingly spark a choral revolution, where harmony becomes a weapon of choice against bad reality TV. Soon, all arguments will be settled with a well-placed high note.. Fact: Did you know that singing in a choir is scientifically proven to improve your mood? So, if your weekend plans involve listening to choral music, prepare for an emotional rollercoaster!.
• Headline: SUPPORT GROUPS: HELP AND DEBATE. Impact: These support groups will unintentionally create a massive network of coffee-drinking, tax-avoiding friends who end up forming a secret society dedicated to discussing the intricacies of coffee beans instead of actual problems.. Fact: Did you know that 'support group' really just means 'let’s complain about everything over coffee' in code? It's basically therapy but with more caffeine!.
• Headline: 20-YEAR OLD VIOLINIST LOOKS BACK ON LIFE. Impact: Dylana Jensen's retrospective will inspire a generation of young violinists to try and outdo her, leading to an international competition where the prize is the title of 'Most Overachieving Violinist'—and a lifetime supply of rosin.. Fact: Fun fact: Dylana started performing at 7 years old. Most kids at that age are still figuring out how to tie their shoes or avoid broccoli!.
• Headline: LONG ISLAND GUIDE; PEACE CENTER. Impact: The opening of the Peace Center will ironically lead to the greatest debates about whether 'peace' can actually be achieved while arguing about who gets the last donut at meetings.. Fact: Did you know that peace talks often involve a lot of snacks? Because nothing says 'let's settle our differences' like a good bag of chips!.
• Headline: LONG ISLAND GUIDE; HORSE-DRAWN TRAVEL. Impact: Horse-drawn travel will cause a brief resurgence of the horse population, leading to a worldwide shortage of oats and skyrocketing prices for horse feed, leaving many equestrians to start a black market.. Fact: Did you know that riding in a horse-drawn carriage is basically the 1800s equivalent of taking an Uber? Just without the app or the awkward small talk!.
• Headline: LONG ISLAND; DIXIELAND JAZZ. Impact: The Dixieland jazz concert will lead to a revival of the genre, resulting in a series of dance-offs in public parks, where the stakes are nothing less than the title of 'Ultimate Swinger'—and a free saxophone.. Fact: Did you know that jazz was once considered 'devil's music'? So, if you're attending this concert, you're basically attending a gathering of musical rebels!.
• Headline: LONG ISLAND JOURNAL; TWILIGHT WALK. Impact: The twilight walk in Old Westbury Gardens will inadvertently lead to a trend in twilight-themed fitness, where people start exercising in the evening and claim it's the best time to connect with nature—while ignoring the fact that they just love to avoid morning workouts.. Fact: Did you know that tulips are actually a form of currency in some places? So, if you’re taking a stroll, keep an eye on your wallet—those flowers might be worth more than you think!.