MARCH 14, 1982

Full News Archive

• Headline: Understanding Garden Fertilizers This Spring. Impact: This gardening primer set off a chain reaction leading to an unprecedented obsession with urban gardening. Little did they know, the next generation would be hoarding organic heirloom seeds like they were the last Twinkies on Earth. Fact: Despite the complexity of fertilizers, most people still believe 'green thumb' is a medical condition.
• Headline: Re-evaluating Housing Laws for Affordability. Impact: The re-evaluation of housing laws led to a wild game of ‘musical chairs’ where towns kept swapping zoning regulations, eventually resulting in a nationwide trend of people living in tiny homes that made them feel like hobbits. Fact: Affordable housing is such a hot topic that it's rumored to be the reason for the disappearance of many politicians from public events.
• Headline: Economic Strain on Medical Professionals. Impact: As physicians began to feel the economic crunch, they started finding creative ways to charge for services, leading to the rise of 'pay what you can' clinics—where you might end up paying with a song or a dance. Fact: The medical profession is one of the few where you can be charged for 'services rendered' and still leave with a prescription for a placebo.
• Headline: EINSTEIN PAPERS: A 20-YEAR PROJECT. Impact: Einstein's papers being published ignited a frenzy of nerds trying to decipher his genius, ultimately resulting in the creation of countless memes about physics that still confuse the average person today. Fact: Einstein's hair has more fans than most celebrities. It's rumored that it has its own Instagram account.
• Headline: LEGISLATORS NEED SENSE OF REALITY ON PLAN FOR SCHOOL FINANCING. Impact: Legislators' failure to grasp school financing led to a generation of students who thought 'fundamentals' was just a fancy way of saying 'no money for you.' This has resulted in a wild rise in the popularity of online learning... and cat videos. Fact: The last time legislators understood school financing, dinosaurs roamed the Earth.
• Headline: GOAL TO RESTORE OLD TEMPLE CLOSER. Impact: The restoration of the old temple sparked a nationwide revival of historic preservation, leading to a bizarre trend of hipster communities claiming every dilapidated building as a 'cultural landmark' worthy of Instagram. Fact: If you think preserving old buildings is important, try telling that to the city planners who are currently bulldozing your childhood memories.
• Headline: BROADWAY BECKONS CONNECTICUT SHOWS. Impact: Broadway's interest in Connecticut shows created a bizarre feedback loop where local productions became so popular that they eventually outshined the originals, leading to a Broadway version of a local diner menu. Fact: If you ever wondered how many times a single play can be revived, just check Broadway's records—it's basically a musical version of Groundhog Day.
• Headline: TOWN IS DIVIDED OVER BUCKLEY PLANS. Impact: The divisive plans in Sharon resulted in a community so split that they began to hold potlucks where everyone brought their own food, but no one would eat it in case it was from the opposing faction. Fact: Sharon's division is so famous that it was once featured in a reality show called 'Survivor: Suburbia.'.
• Headline: THE CURSE ON CIGARS. Impact: The 'curse on cigars' led to a dramatic decline in cigar sales, which ironically made cigars the new luxury item, resulting in people hosting extravagant parties just to show off their forbidden stogies. Fact: Cigars are the only product that can simultaneously make you feel sophisticated and deeply regret your life choices.