FEBRUARY 22, 1982

Full News Archive

• Headline: Extracurricular Activities Under Threat. Impact: If only students had a chance to join the school paper instead of focusing on their actual classes, we might have a society filled with poets and future baristas debating the merits of espresso versus pour over coffee at their local hipster café.. Fact: Extracurricular activities have been proven to increase the chances of becoming a professional procrastinator!.
• Headline: The Surprise Deer Encounter. Impact: The magnificent deer that never returned likely caused a chain reaction of sadness among local fauna, leading to the squirrel community forming a support group for abandoned wildlife sightings.. Fact: Deer can actually remember human faces, which means this deer was probably just avoiding you on purpose!.
• Headline: The Allure of Two-Family Homes. Impact: The appeal of two-family homes might have inadvertently caused a spike in family gatherings and awkward conversations about who borrowed whose lawnmower last summer.. Fact: Two-family homes are the perfect setup for avoiding your relatives—just keep your side of the house looking like a tornado hit it!.
• Headline: CAPE MAY SEEKS TO BALANCE DEVELOPMENT AND PROTECTION. Impact: Cape May's struggle to balance development and protection could lead to a future where nature and urban growth are in a constant tug-of-war, much like your cat and that elusive red dot.. Fact: If Cape May manages to protect its environment while developing, it might just become the go-to vacation spot for environmentally-conscious hipsters!.
• Headline: ART; WHEN THE ARTIST USES TECHNOLOGY AS A TOOL. Impact: The technological boom in art could eventually lead to a future where AI-generated masterpieces are sold for millions, leaving human artists wondering if they should just switch to knitting.. Fact: The debate over technology in art is as old as the invention of the paintbrush—spoiler alert: artists have always been dramatic!.
• Headline: 'IF YOU TREAT THE EARTH WELL...'. Impact: If everyone treated the Earth better, we might have a planet filled with happy trees and flowers singing songs of joy instead of the current reality of them whispering about human misdeeds.. Fact: Old John might have been onto something—what if he was the original eco-warrior, just waiting for the rest of us to catch up?.
• Headline: Investing; HOW TO PICK A STOCKBROKER. Impact: The advice on picking a stockbroker might lead to a future where everyone becomes an expert, resulting in a stock market crash caused by too many 'friends' giving investment advice on social media.. Fact: The next time a stockbroker calls you, just remember: they might be just as confused about the market as you are!.
• Headline: DINING OUT; FRESHNESS FROM THE STOVE TOP. Impact: Harry's Sauteuse might have set off a culinary revolution where every neighborhood diner tries to outdo one another with fancy names and even fancier presentations of food that no one can pronounce.. Fact: Dining out in places like Harry's is essentially a social experiment—watching how many people can complain about the food without ever sending it back!.