JANUARY 11, 1982

Full News Archive

• Headline: Graduate Education Challenges Explored. Impact: Sarah B.'s tenure rejection set off a chain reaction, causing universities everywhere to rethink their hiring practices. This eventually led to a nationwide shortage of comparative literature professors, resulting in a spike in confused students wondering why their English classes suddenly turned into a 'How to Analyze Instagram Captions' course.. Fact: Columbia University is so prestigious that even its rejection letters come with a side of heartbreak and existential dread..
• Headline: Rumanian Swans Dance in Long Island. Impact: The tour of Ballet Fantasio marked the beginning of a ballet craze in America, leading to the invention of ballet-themed workout classes. This ultimately resulted in millions of Americans awkwardly attempting pirouettes in their living rooms, often ending in a trip to the ER.. Fact: Rumanian swans are known for their grace, unlike the average American attempting to imitate them after a few glasses of wine..
• Headline: The Careful Shopper; Inexpensive Beauty Aids. Impact: The opening of the Beauty Barn led to a nationwide obsession with inexpensive beauty products, eventually causing a rise in DIY beauty hacks that left many with questionable outcomes and a new trend: 'creative disaster' selfies.. Fact: Beauty products at discount prices are like fast food for your face – not always the best choice, but oh-so-tempting!.
• Headline: PREMED DOORS OPEN TO ADULTS. Impact: The opening of premed doors to adult students led to a dramatic rise in 'age is just a number' philosophy, resulting in a slew of mid-life crises being channeled into medical school applications instead of sports cars.. Fact: Who knew that mixing lawyers, musicians, and journalists in a chemistry class could result in a new genre of music: 'Chemical Rock'?.
• Headline: AND IF YOU LIKE SUSHI. Impact: The sushi craze began in Hoboken, leading to a global obsession with raw fish that eventually resulted in the creation of sushi-flavored ice cream. Yes, folks, that's how culinary nightmares are born.. Fact: Remember when sushi was just a food and not a lifestyle? Yeah, me neither..
• Headline: Art; NEW APPROACHES TO 'SOCIAL' ART. Impact: As socially conscious art struggled, a secret underground movement formed, leading to a resurgence of 'anti-art' that baffled art critics everywhere. This created an entire generation of artists who believed that simply splattering paint on a canvas while yelling about capitalism counted as art.. Fact: The 20th century: where social issues were so pressing that even art tried to escape through the window..
• Headline: MAYOR'S PAY STIRS FREEPORT GRUMBLING. Impact: The mayor's pay increase sparked a massive debate on public salaries, leading to a nationwide trend of citizens demanding to know why their taxes pay for someone's latte habit. This ultimately resulted in a collective eye-roll heard 'round the world.. Fact: High salaries for elected officials are a great way to ensure that the only thing being served is a side of public outrage!.