MARCH 16, 1981

Full News Archive

• Headline: Dreams and Reality in Baseball Ownership. Impact: Had Dave Goldstein not fantasized about baseball, we might have been denied the existence of backyard leagues, subsequently leading to a world where children only dream of being accountants. Imagine the horror!. Fact: Did you know that playing baseball in your backyard is technically called 'not being able to afford a real field'? Welcome to the American Dream!.
• Headline: Unannounced Sales at The Studio. Impact: The lack of a mailing list for sales would eventually lead to a series of gift-related disasters where people unknowingly bought the same half-off blender for their aunt's birthday, resulting in an aunt conspiracy to disown her relatives.. Fact: Did you know that 'whim' is just a fancy way of saying 'we're winging it'? Enjoy your surprise gift sales, folks!.
• Headline: Rock Walls in Campus Gardening. Impact: If rock walls had never been embraced for their beauty, we might have had a global shortage of Instagrammable garden spots, causing a massive spike in 'nature selfies' in random parking lots.. Fact: Did you know that rock walls are basically nature's way of saying, 'I’m sturdy, but also fashionable'? Talk about dual-purpose!.
• Headline: YALE DIVINITY OFFERS BALLET ABOUT DYING. Impact: The ballet about dying could spark a renaissance of arts focusing on morbid themes, leading to a generation of gloomy poets who only write sonnets about their existential crises.. Fact: Did you know that ballet and existential dread go hand in hand? What a combo—tutus and tears!.
• Headline: COUNTY UNCERTAIN OF REAGAN BUDGET'S IMPACT. Impact: The revival of Gilbert and Sullivan could inadvertently lead to a resurgence of Victorian-era fashion, resulting in a global shortage of corsets and top hats as hipsters try to reclaim 'the classics'.. Fact: Did you know that 'The Pirates of Penzance' is actually a musical about the joys of piracy and paperwork? It’s a real thrill ride… if you love bureaucracy!.
• Headline: The Lively Arts; SAVOYARDS SING WITH A FLOURISH. Impact: Elise's annual emergencies could lead to the invention of a new social media platform where friends can post their life's failures for likes, thus creating a culture of celebrated disasters.. Fact: Did you know that 'emergency calls from friends' are basically the adult version of 'my dog ate my homework'? Welcome to grown-up life!.
• Headline: At Home. Impact: The trauma of the Connecticut Railroad system could inspire a series of dramatic films about trains that never arrive, spawning a genre where people just wait and wait... and wait.. Fact: Did you know that train delays are just the universe's way of teaching patience? Enjoy your newfound zen!.
• Headline: 3 TO BID TO WIN CONRAIL FREIGHT. Impact: The celebration of Rondo Dance Theater's anniversary could lead to an explosion of birthday-themed performances, inspiring a bizarre trend where people throw dance parties instead of traditional cake parties—a future filled with glitter and confusion.. Fact: Did you know that every dance theater performance is just a way to burn calories while pretending to be classy? It's the adult equivalent of playing dress-up!.