MARCH 13, 1981

Full News Archive

• Headline: Warrior's Return Saves His Family. Impact: Old Cheyenne warrior's heroic return sparked a global trend in supernatural family reunions, leading to a spike in 'Back from the Dead' support groups and countless reality shows where people try to reconnect with long-lost ancestors—who may or may not be ghosts.. Fact: Apparently, dying is just a minor inconvenience when you're a Cheyenne warrior. Next stop: intergalactic family reunions!.
• Headline: Youngest Trekker's Ambitious Journey. Impact: Young Michael's ambitious plans to ride a bicycle across continents inspired a generation of kids to pursue unrealistic dreams, resulting in an influx of overqualified baristas in coffee shops across the nation who never actually made it past the local park.. Fact: At 6 years old, Michael was already living a more adventurous life than most adults. His parents are currently seeking therapy for the pressure of his epic aspirations..
• Headline: Sally Field in 'Back Roads'. Impact: Sally Field's portrayal of a prostitute inadvertently led to a spike in Oscar-winning roles for sex workers, forever changing Hollywood's approach to storytelling and leading to a wave of documentaries on the plight of derelicts, which were promptly ignored by the masses.. Fact: Sally Field's next role was almost as a sandwich artist, proving that even Oscar winners sometimes have to take jobs that 'really speak to their artistic soul.'.
• Headline: The Evening Hours. Impact: Kenneth and Pat Taylor's high-profile socializing resulted in a new social media challenge where people post photos of themselves pretending to enjoy parties they were dragged to, ultimately transforming the way the world experiences social events—one forced smile at a time.. Fact: Socializing is just a fancy word for 'I have to pretend I like these people.' The Taylors are simply masters of disguise..
• Headline: Trade Center to Get Fire Sprinklers at $45 Million Cost. Impact: The decision to install fire sprinklers at the World Trade Center set off a chain reaction of safety measures that led to the eventual invention of the world's most boring safety protocols, which no one read but everyone pretended to understand.. Fact: For $45 million, you could buy a lot of fire extinguishers. Or, you know, just install sprinklers. Choices, choices!.