DECEMBER 15, 1979

Full News Archive

• Headline: Korean General Consolidates Power Amid Tensions. Impact: General Chon Too Hwan's power grab led to a series of increasingly paranoid military coups throughout the 80s, creating a secret society of generals who only trust their pet goldfish over everyone else. This ultimately leads to every military leader in the world forming a bizarre alliance with aquatic pets, forever changing global diplomacy.. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'it's not personal, it's just politics' was invented in a bunker somewhere in Korea during this power play? Sounds like a real fun time, huh?.
• Headline: Basketball Star Faces Ineligibility Setback. Impact: The basketball star's ineligibility sparked a chain reaction causing the entire sports industry to question players' eligibility, leading to the infamous 'Are you really who you say you are?' background checks, which eventually resulted in a reality show called 'Who’s That Athlete?'. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing more ineligible than this basketball star was my chances of becoming an Olympic athlete. Sad but true..
• Headline: Kennedy Challenges Carter on Naval Policy. Impact: Kennedy's assertion about the aircraft carrier deal ignited a political firestorm that resulted in the US spending more time discussing naval strategies than actually building ships. This eventually led to a shortage of boat-building materials, which ironically resulted in more people taking up paddleboarding.. Fact: Did you know that Jesse Helms' staff was so thorough, they even monitored his coffee breaks? You can never be too careful in politics, right?.
• Headline: Magazine Wholesaler Alleges a Trade Pact by 2 Rivals,; Investigation Is Under Way. Impact: The trade pact allegations set off a chain reaction of lawsuits and counter-lawsuits so convoluted that it inspired a new genre of legal thrillers that had more twists than a pretzel factory. In the end, no one knew who was actually selling what to whom.. Fact: Here's a fun fact: The only thing more confusing than this trade pact was the instructions for assembling IKEA furniture. Seriously, how do you even?.
• Headline: Sea Search for 4 Suspended. Impact: The suspension of the search for the missing persons became a cautionary tale that led to the creation of mandatory safety regulations for all sailing adventures, ensuring that no one ever sails out without a flotation device shaped like a unicorn.. Fact: Did you know that the US Coast Guard's motto is 'Always ready'? Clearly, they were out of unicorns that day..
• Headline: British Set Final Session, Giving Ultimatum on Rhodesia Cease‐Fire Plan Guerrillas Insist on Guarantees. Impact: The British ultimatum on Rhodesia resulted in a series of guerrilla warfare tactics that inspired the creation of conflict resolution workshops, where generals would gather to discuss feelings and hug it out instead of ambushing each other.. Fact: Fun fact: The term 'guerrilla warfare' was originally coined in a pub, where a bunch of disgruntled revolutionaries were trying to decide whether to fight or just complain loudly about it..
• Headline: 4 AMERICANS KILLED IN ISTANBUL AMBUSH Military Man and 3 Civilians Shot Going Home From Allied Base. Impact: The ambush that killed four Americans turned into a pivotal moment that led to changes in military engagement rules, which ironically resulted in more dramatic military-themed television shows that left viewers wondering if reality was just a scripted plot twist.. Fact: Did you know that the Turkish People's Liberation Army has a better PR team than most corporations? Talk about branding!.
• Headline: The City; Rent Rises Sought For Fuel Increases. Impact: The push for rent increases due to fuel shortages led to a city-wide debate over who gets to decide what is 'affordable,' resulting in the creation of the now-infamous 'Rent is Too Damn High' party, which promptly made it to every ballot thereafter.. Fact: Did you know that NYC's rental rates fluctuate more than my mood on a Monday morning? Truly a spectacle!.
• Headline: Carter Described as Encouraged By Hostage Crisis Developments Carter Called ‘Encouraged’ by Hostage Developments. Impact: Carter's feelings of encouragement regarding the hostage crisis changed the approach to international diplomacy, leading to coffee meetings that somehow became more impactful than formal negotiations—a true testament to the power of a good cup of joe.. Fact: Did you know that during this crisis, coffee sales skyrocketed? Apparently, caffeine is the real hero in diplomacy..