DECEMBER 13, 1979

Full News Archive

• Headline: Historic Bordeaux Bottle Fails to Sell. Impact: If only that bottle of Chateau Lafite-Rothschild had sold, perhaps it would have sparked a global wine craze, leading to a new world economy centered around fine wines. Instead, it just sat there, thus preventing the rise of the 'vintage wine hipster' and saving humanity from countless wine-related puns.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more overpriced than that bottle at auction is the ego of the person who thought it was worth bidding on?.
• Headline: Accountants Exempted from Report Liability. Impact: Exempting accountants from liability for their reports created a perfect storm for future financial collapses. Little did they know, this would lead to a world filled with 'creative accounting' and eventually, reality TV shows about financial disasters. Thanks, SEC!. Fact: Did you know that accountants are now the only people who can say, 'Oops!' and not get fired? Lucky them!.
• Headline: Pittsburgh's School Integration Initiative. Impact: Pittsburgh's school integration efforts ignited a slow-burning fire of social justice movements across the country. If only they had added a side of pizza to the discussions, we might have seen a revolution unfold fueled by cheese and equality.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing harder to integrate than schools is trying to get people to agree on pineapple as a pizza topping?.
• Headline: A Growing Despair in Detroit. Impact: The despair in Detroit marked the beginning of the end for American auto dominance. As workers were laid off, they unknowingly set the stage for the rise of foreign car manufacturers, leading to a world where the phrase 'American-made' became a nostalgic myth.. Fact: Did you know that Detroit actually has a secret underground city of disgruntled auto workers who still refuse to accept that their cars don’t come with a 'Made in America' sticker?.
• Headline: Runaways Gain a New Refuge. Impact: The opening of a refuge for runaways could be seen as the first step towards a future where every teenager feels justified in running away from home, leading to a boom in travel agencies specializing in 'family escape packages'.. Fact: Did you know that the most common runaway destination is actually a friend's couch? It's the only five-star hotel that doesn't require a credit card!.
• Headline: How David Dukes Solved a Problem in Playing ‘Bent’. Impact: David Dukes' problem-solving techniques in theater became a blueprint for future actors, leading to the rise of method acting and, consequently, actors who take their roles way too seriously. 'I am the character!' is now a motto for many.. Fact: Did you know that some actors spend more time preparing for a role than they do in actual acting? It's like training for a marathon and then only running a mile..
• Headline: Scholars Foresee New Age Of International Terrorism. Impact: The prediction of a new age of international terrorism foreshadowed a century of paranoia, leading to airport security measures so invasive, they could practically give you a full body scan and a therapy session before boarding a flight.. Fact: Did you know that the term 'hostage crisis' was officially upgraded to 'everyone's worst nightmare' in the early 2000s? It's a real achievement!.
• Headline: Soviet Is Said to Hinder Olympic Periodical Sales. Impact: Roland Algrant's complaints about Soviet interference in periodical sales set the stage for future global media wars, leading to the creation of clickbait and the absolute saturation of 24/7 news cycles, which we now enjoy as our daily background noise.. Fact: Did you know that the best way to get your news is to just ask your grandma? She knows all the gossip and has way less interference from the Soviets!.