DECEMBER 9, 1979

Full News Archive

• Headline: Maine Schooner's Caribbean Voyage. Impact: If that schooner had never set sail, who knows? Maybe the Caribbean would have become a hub for landlocked states looking to vacation at sea. Sailboats would be replaced by inflatable pools. Chaos!. Fact: Schooners are like the hipsters of the sailing world; they were all the rage before it was cool!.
• Headline: Oneida Tribe Files Land Suit in NY. Impact: This legal battle is like a game of Monopoly that never ends. If the Oneida win, we might see all sorts of tribes suing for their own pieces of America, leading to a national game where everyone gets a piece of land, and no one knows who owns what.. Fact: The Oneida tribe's claim is a reminder that the past can haunt us, much like that embarrassing haircut you had in high school..
• Headline: Arab League's Push for Economic Unity. Impact: If the Arab League had joined a Common Market, we might have seen a Middle Eastern version of European Union: a passport-free zone but with more spices and way fewer rainy days.. Fact: The only thing more complex than Middle Eastern politics is trying to get all those countries to agree on a single flavor of hummus..
• Headline: Concord, N.H.,School Chief Bars Distribution of Bibles by Gideons. Impact: By preventing Bible distribution, Concord schools may have inadvertently started a trend of people smuggling religious texts like contraband. History shows us that bans only make things more desirable.. Fact: Calvin Cleveland probably thought he was saving the world from a flood of religious texts, but all he did was make them cooler than ever!.
• Headline: DANCE VIEW; Bournonville's; Art Glows; At Centenary. Impact: The dance festival could spark a new renaissance in arts funding, leading to a future where every dance battle is sponsored by a tech giant, complete with viral hashtags and millions in prize money.. Fact: Dance reviews are like fine wine: some people love them, while others just pretend to understand them..
• Headline: Church Member Set; For Foreign Mission. Impact: Gloria Gerald's mission could inspire a wave of missionaries to think they can fix the world's problems with just a suitcase and a smile, leading to the rise of the 'backpacking saviors' movement.. Fact: Being a missionary sounds noble until you realize your biggest challenge is figuring out how to pack light for two years..
• Headline: White House Rejects Plea by Carey To Move Quickly in L.I.R.R. Strike; White House Rejects Plea by Carey To Move Quickly in L.I.R.R. Strike. Impact: By rejecting the plea, the White House may have inadvertently set a precedent for doing absolutely nothing in times of crisis, leading to an era of 'let's just hope it resolves itself' governance.. Fact: The White House's motto: 'Why solve problems when you can just watch them unfold like a bad soap opera?'.