DECEMBER 7, 1979

Full News Archive

• Headline: Decline of the Tiffin Wallahs. Impact: In the future, the decline of tiffin wallahs leads to the rise of meal kit deliveries, which eventually turns into a multi-billion dollar industry. Little do they know, the real profit is in the 'accidental' association with hipster culture.. Fact: Did you know that the word 'tiffin' comes from the 19th-century British slang referring to a light meal? So, basically, the British still get credit for our lunch breaks..
• Headline: Protest Against Khomeini's New Constitution. Impact: This protest sets off a series of events that will lead to an explosion of political activism worldwide, from the Arab Spring to Instagram influencers pretending to care about democracy.. Fact: Khomeini's appeal for national unity was basically the 1979 version of 'can't we all just get along?' Spoiler alert: It didn’t work..
• Headline: Estimate Board Delays Franchises Study Approval. Impact: The postponement of the study leads to decades of inefficiency, eventually resulting in city councils being replaced by social media influencers who promise better operation strategies but deliver nothing.. Fact: Five months is like an eternity in government time. By then, even the consulting firm probably forgot they were hired!.
• Headline: No Cuts in Use of Gasoline Sought In New U.S. Conservation Proposal. Impact: The lack of cuts in gasoline usage foreshadows a future filled with electric cars and angry suburban dads sinking into existential crises over their gas-guzzling SUVs.. Fact: Setting a consumption target is basically like saying, 'We won't try to eat less cake, but we promise to think about it while we eat.'.
• Headline: Rep. Johnson Bars Fifth Term. Impact: Johnson's decision not to run for a fifth term leads to a wave of politicians realizing that people actually prefer someone who can count to four.. Fact: The fifth term is like the fifth wheel of politics—nobody really wants it, but somehow it keeps showing up..
• Headline: Art People. Impact: The installation of the bronze horse sparks a debate on art preservation, eventually leading to the creation of 'art police' who will patrol museums with extreme prejudice.. Fact: Bronze horses are like the Kardashians of the art world—everyone knows them, but nobody really understands why they're so popular..
• Headline: Fake‐Art Seller In Chrysler Case Accused Again; Gallery Trying to Recover $1 Million for 23 Works. Impact: The accusations against Hartert lead to an art fraud epidemic, making art forgery the most profitable side hustle for wannabe Picassos everywhere.. Fact: Selling fake art is like the adult version of playing pretend—except the stakes are a million dollars and the consequences are way more serious..