DECEMBER 3, 1979

Full News Archive

• Headline: Maryanne Amacher's Innovative Performance. Impact: Amacher's unique performances inspired a future generation of musicians to create soundscapes that would inadvertently lead to the rise of ASMR videos. Yes, thank you Maryanne for our weird obsession with listening to people whisper sweet nothings.. Fact: Did you know that Maryanne Amacher's work is often credited with making people feel things they didn’t know they could feel? Kind of like trying to explain why you cried during a commercial..
• Headline: Cleveland School Walkout Legal Action Looms. Impact: The Cleveland School Board's request to end the teachers' walkout led to a cascade of educational reforms, which eventually resulted in the invention of the 'adulting' class. Because if you can’t teach them, at least give them a syllabus on how to use a toaster.. Fact: Did you know that 46 days of teachers striking can actually lead to lifelong grudges between students and their parents? Because nothing says 'I love you' like making your kid miss out on a month and a half of education..
• Headline: March by Anti‐American Students Broken Up by the Pakistani Police. Impact: The Pakistani police breaking up the anti-American march led to an increase in international tensions, eventually resulting in a world where people still argue about who started it. Spoiler alert: it's always 'the other guy'.. Fact: Did you know that a march being broken up by police often leads to more marches? It’s like trying to put out a fire with gasoline—just not the best idea..
• Headline: Security Mix‐Up Delays Shah's Motorcade to La Guardia. Impact: The security mix-up with the Shah's motorcade resulted in a series of increasingly absurd security protocols around the world, culminating in airport security requiring you to remove your shoes, jackets, and dignity.. Fact: Did you know that security delays can often lead to the invention of airport coffee? Because if you’re going to wait, you might as well have a caffeine-induced existential crisis..
• Headline: No One Was Running, But Town Picks Mayor. Impact: The election of a mayor who didn’t run led to a new political campaign strategy dubbed 'The Ghost Candidate,' where undecided voters are encouraged to vote for whoever they think might do a decent job, even if they’re not actually running.. Fact: Did you know that sometimes, not running for office is the best strategy? Just ask any celebrity who’s ever been nominated for an award but didn’t show up..
• Headline: Mystery Is Presented by Jellyfish In Water of Virginia Stone Quarry. Impact: The discovery of jellyfish in a Virginia quarry led to a dramatic increase in curiosity about aquatic life, sparking future generations to engage in marine biology—just so they could avoid meeting jellyfish in person.. Fact: Did you know jellyfish are 95% water? If only they could just stay in their watery homes and not show up in quarries making divers question their life choices..
• Headline: Music: Chopin Is Played By Jeanne‐Marie Darré. Impact: Darré's performance at Carnegie Hall set the stage for the modern concert experience, where people pay exorbitant prices to sit in seats that are too small while pretending they understand classical music.. Fact: Did you know that attending a classical music concert is often just an excuse to dress up and act like you know what a sonata is? Spoiler: it’s not a type of pasta..
• Headline: News Summary. Impact: The identification of Sharon Enea led to a renewed investigation into the lives of department store executives, causing future generations to ponder on the mysteries of retail management, which ultimately resulted in a reality show about the lives of cashiers.. Fact: Did you know that being a department store executive is like being a lion tamer? One wrong move and you'll have chaos in the aisles—except the lions are just very angry customers..
• Headline: New Work's Talc Miners: A Dual Fight for Survival. Impact: The dual fight for survival among talc miners brought attention to workplace safety, sparking legislation that led to the creation of 'safety meetings'—where people sit in a circle and discuss how not to lose a limb on the job.. Fact: Did you know that talc miners often have to deal with more than just rocks? Apparently, they also have to navigate through corporate denial on health risks—talk about a real-life game of Minesweeper..