NOVEMBER 8, 1979

Full News Archive

• Headline: Wimberg Wins Harbormaster Election Shockingly. Impact: Joseph Wimberg's harbormaster victory inspired a generation of waterfront enthusiasts, leading to a global surge in 'Harbor Master' cosplay at comic conventions. Who knew boats were that stylish?. Fact: Fun fact: The title 'Harbormaster' sounds important, but in reality, it’s just a fancy way of saying 'guy who tells boats where to park.'.
• Headline: Impact of U.S. Rates on Canadian Economy. Impact: The high interest rates in the U.S. encouraged Canada to invest in maple syrup futures, inadvertently causing a sticky situation in the global economy. Who needs oil when you have syrup?. Fact: Did you know that Canada once considered adopting the U.S. dollar? They decided against it after realizing they couldn't put a moose on the bill..
• Headline: Gerard Piel Receives Publisher of the Year Award. Impact: Gerard Piel's award for publishing led to an explosion of magazine subscriptions, which eventually paved the way for the internet's invasion of cat videos. Thanks, Gerard!. Fact: The 'Publisher of the Year Award' is a prestigious honor, but let's be real—everyone knows the best publisher is the one who keeps delivering pizza menus..
• Headline: Interior Agency Changes Name. Impact: The name change of the Bureau of Reclamation sparked a nationwide trend of bureaucracies rebranding themselves, leading to a bizarre wave of government agencies adopting names like 'Department of Sunshine and Rainbows.'. Fact: Changing a government agency's name is like a midlife crisis for a middle-aged man: completely unnecessary and often regretted later..
• Headline: U.S. Is Pleased With Its Record Under 1975 Helsinki Rights Pact. Impact: The U.S. report on the Helsinki Rights Pact prompted a secret underground movement for school desegregation, which ironically turned into the world's worst flash mob when no one showed up.. Fact: The Helsinki Accords were meant to promote human rights, but they also inadvertently led to a lot of awkward diplomatic dinners where nobody knew what to talk about..
• Headline: COMMODITIES. Impact: The fluctuating precious metals markets led to a bizarre phenomenon where people started hoarding silver as if it were toilet paper, giving rise to the 'Great Silver Shortage of 1980s'—a true turning point in hoarding history.. Fact: Silver was once considered a form of currency. Now, it’s mostly used for making jewelry and making people feel fancy at parties..
• Headline: Fed's Rate Rise Is Criticized. Impact: James C Wright Jr's criticism of the Federal Reserve led to a secretive underground club of economists who met in basements to discuss monetary policy while wearing tinfoil hats. They believed they were the true voices of reason.. Fact: Criticizing the Fed is like yelling at the clouds. You can do it all day, but the clouds don’t care, and neither does the economy..
• Headline: IRAN OIL STILL FLOWS, ADMINISTRATION SAYS. Impact: Jody Powell's denial about Iran's oil led to a rise in conspiracy theories, with people claiming the U.S. government was secretly powered by unicorns. The oil embargo, of course, became legendary.. Fact: Denying an oil embargo is like denying you ate the last slice of pizza—everyone knows the truth, and there's always a trail of crumbs..
• Headline: Notes on People. Impact: The 14-year-old buffalo sent to Clements became an unlikely mascot for animal rights, leading to a viral movement encouraging teenagers to adopt more exotic pets, including llamas and miniature donkeys.. Fact: Sending a buffalo to someone is a unique gift choice—it's like saying, 'I care about you, but also, I hope you have a very large yard.'.