SEPTEMBER 22, 1979

Full News Archive

• Headline: Scotto Witness Confesses Past Crimes. Impact: Montella's confession set off a chain reaction leading to the rise of reality TV. If only he had kept his mouth shut, perhaps we'd still be stuck watching wholesome family dramas instead of people screaming at each other over money.. Fact: Did you know that sometimes the biggest crime is committing to reality TV? It’s like crime, but for your entertainment!.
• Headline: Texans View Inflation as Key Concern. Impact: This Texan's revelation about inflation led to a massive uptick in people Googling 'how to grow your own food' and 'how to barter with goats.' Thanks, inflation, for turning us all into wannabe homesteaders!. Fact: Fun fact: If you ask a Texan about inflation, prepare for a 30-minute monologue punctuated by references to barbecue and the merits of open carry..
• Headline: Books of The Times Review of Szold's Life. Impact: Henrietta Szold, thanks to this review, became the go-to name at book clubs for 'people who want to sound smart but actually haven't read the book.'. Fact: Did you know 'Summoned to Jerusalem' is not a sequel to 'Summoned to Hell'? Just checking!.
• Headline: Gracing the Skyline —Not Disgracing It. Impact: Der Scutt's insights on high-rise buildings led to the eventual construction of the world's first skyscraper that also doubled as a giant indoor garden. Thank goodness for sensible zoning laws!. Fact: Did you know that New York City zoning laws are more complicated than your high school math homework? Good luck with that!.
• Headline: Sotheby, Citibank Explain Pact. Impact: Sotheby and Citibank's partnership indirectly resulted in the creation of art investment seminars, where rich people could learn how to buy expensive things they don't need. Truly a win-win for wealth disparity!. Fact: Did you know you can pay a million dollars for a painting that looks like it was done by a toddler? Welcome to high art!.
• Headline: Frank I. Madigan, 70; Director of Law Force In Protests at Berkeley. Impact: Frank I. Madigan's legacy at Berkeley inspired future generations of students to protest everything from tuition hikes to the lack of avocado toast on campus. Thanks, Frank!. Fact: Fun fact: Berkeley protests are like seasonal allergies—inevitable and always annoying to the administration!.
• Headline: Dance: Deborah Riley and Douglas Dunn Perform in ‘Foot Rules’. Impact: Riley and Dunn's performance inspired a new generation of dancers who thought they could also make interpretive dances about waiting for the bus. Art has never been so relatable!. Fact: Did you know that if you stumble while dancing, you can just call it 'modern interpretive movement'? Instant artist!.
• Headline: Sheldon R. Coons, 84; Mt. Sinai Benefactor Counseled Businesses. Impact: Sheldon Coons' counseling of businesses led to the emergence of consultative jargon that has been confusing employees ever since. We still don't know what 'synergy' means.. Fact: Did you know that 'benefactor' is just a fancy term for someone who has too much money and not enough hobbies?.
• Headline: Philharmonic Players Vote Pact. Impact: The Philharmonic's new contract paved the way for musicians to demand more money, which ultimately led to the invention of the 'musician's guilt' for charging too much for a concert ticket.. Fact: Fun fact: The most expensive ticket at a Philharmonic concert is still cheaper than a therapy session for those who went to college for music..
• Headline: Knicks Ask to Be Repaid. Impact: The Knicks asking for repayment of compensation is the moment in history that inspired every other sports team to reconsider their financial decisions. Spoiler alert: It didn't help anyone!. Fact: Did you know that sports teams asking for money back is basically adult tantrums? Next up: The Knicks on reality TV!.