SEPTEMBER 17, 1979

Full News Archive

• Headline: Swedish Leftists Face Mail Vote Challenge. Impact: If the leftists lose due to mail votes, we might have seen a future where Sweden becomes a land of meatballs and IKEA instructions for how to overthrow the government. All thanks to a few misplaced ballots!. Fact: Did you know that in Sweden, 'mail votes' can also refer to your grandma sending you knitted socks instead of political support?.
• Headline: Optimism for School Desegregation in Chicago. Impact: This optimism could lead to a future where Chicagoans finally learn to share more than just the same pizza place—who knew desegregation could be a recipe for community engagement?. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more complex than desegregation is trying to explain to tourists why deep-dish pizza is a salad?.
• Headline: Women's Suits Make Big Comeback. Impact: This trend revived women's power suits, which subsequently led to the invention of 'suit-wearing cats' on the internet. Because why not combine fashion with feline folly?. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more powerful than a business suit is a business suit worn by a cat? #BossCat.
• Headline: U. S. Blacks, on Visit, Said to Honor Qaddafi. Impact: This event could have planted seeds for a bizarre alternate reality where Libya becomes the vacation spot for civil rights leaders, complete with beach resorts and awkward photo ops.. Fact: Did you know that Muammar Qaddafi’s fashion choices were inspired by a mix of desert chic and 'I just raided my grandmother's closet'?.
• Headline: Israel Lifts Censorship on Charge Officer Murdered Four Lebanese. Impact: The lifting of censorship could have led to a wave of transparency, resulting in a future where all military operations come with a side of Instagram live-streaming. Talk about accountability!. Fact: Did you know that censorship is like a bad haircut? You think it looks good until someone finally tells you it’s a disaster..
• Headline: Fishermen and Oil Drillers Vie for Use of Georges Bank. Impact: This battle could have led to a dystopian future where fishermen are forced to use oil rigs as their fishing boats, creating the world's first 'drilling for fish' competition. Who would have thought oil and fish could mix?. Fact: Did you know that the only thing worse than an oil spill is trying to explain to your kids why fish don’t swim in oil? Good luck with that!.
• Headline: Viola: Rivka Golani‐Erdesz. Impact: Rivka’s performance could inspire a generation of violists to take over the world, one string at a time, leading to a global competition of 'who can play the saddest song the best.'. Fact: Did you know that violists are just violinists who decided they wanted a bigger instrument and a sadder repertoire?.
• Headline: NUCLEAR UNIT URGED TO WEIGH ACCIDENTS IN CONSIDERING SITES. Impact: This recommendation could have led to a future where every nuclear power plant comes with a complimentary 'How to Survive a Meltdown' guide. Because who doesn’t love a good manual during a crisis?. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more dangerous than bad nuclear policy is a poorly written survival guide? Good luck with that!.