SEPTEMBER 15, 1979

Full News Archive

• Headline: Tribute to Robert W. Price's Legacy. Impact: If Price had not edited for the Tribune, perhaps the newspaper would have never found its unique voice, leading to a world where only tabloids existed. Imagine the headlines: 'Aliens Steal My Sandwich!'. Fact: He was only 54—just think of all the terrible puns he could have written if he had lived longer!.
• Headline: Hopeful Signs Amid Economic Struggles. Impact: This confidence might have inspired countless economists to wear rose-colored glasses, leading to a string of questionable investments that ultimately resulted in the 'Great Recession' of 2008. Thanks, Miller!. Fact: Spoiler alert: the recession was not halfway over; it was just warming up for an encore!.
• Headline: Rhodesian Conflict Over British Settlement Proposal. Impact: This split led to decades of conflict, causing a ripple effect that would eventually lead to the formation of Zimbabwe. Who knew a simple disagreement could result in so much chaos?. Fact: The irony of fighting over proposals is that a solid compromise could have saved everyone a lot of trouble—maybe even a few trees..
• Headline: McEnroe, Gerulaitis Give U.S. a 2‐0 Lead In Davis Cup Tennis. Impact: This victory not only solidified American dominance in tennis but also inspired countless children to pick up a racket—most of whom still think they can serve like McEnroe. Spoiler: they can't.. Fact: The only thing more explosive than McEnroe's serve was his temper. If you thought tennis was a gentle sport, you clearly haven’t seen him on the court!.
• Headline: Marsha Norman Wins Playwrighting Award. Impact: Norman's win inspired countless playwrights, proving that award shows are essentially just high school popularity contests for adults. Who knew drama could lead to more drama?. Fact: Winning awards in theater is like getting gold stars in kindergarten—everyone loves them, but they don’t mean much in the grand scheme of things..
• Headline: F.B.I. Admits Planting a Rumor To Discredit Jean Seberg in 1970. Impact: This admission highlights the dark lengths governments will go to manipulate public perception, which arguably set the stage for future conspiracy theories—because why stop at just one lie?. Fact: Seberg's tragic end reminds us that the truth is often stranger and sadder than fiction. The F.B.I.'s tactics only added layers to an already complex story..
• Headline: Senate Relaxes Limits On Irrigated Holdings And Exempts Big Area. Impact: This decision allowed big corporations to run wild with water resources, leading to a future where water shortages become a game of Monopoly—'Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect Water.'. Fact: Exempting large corporations is basically giving them a participation trophy for being super wealthy. ‘Congratulations, you can own all the water!’.
• Headline: The Ballet: Dowell Partners Miss Makarova in ‘Swan Lake’. Impact: If Makarova hadn’t missed the performance, it might have inspired a new trend in ballet: the 'Swan Lake' with a twist—like a reality show where dancers fight for the role. Drama on stage? Yes, please!. Fact: Ballet is the only sport where you can literally break a leg and still be called graceful. Go figure!.
• Headline: New Vitality Sensed in Soviet Writers. Impact: This newfound vitality could have catalyzed a literary revolution, potentially leading to a plethora of novels where the main character is a potato who dreams of freedom. That could’ve changed everything!. Fact: Nothing screams 'vitality' like a group of writers gathered in a resort discussing how to write under an oppressive regime. Sounds like a fun vacation, right?.
• Headline: Olga de Hartmann, 96, Widow Of Russian Pianist‐Composer. Impact: De Hartmann's long life reflects the rich tapestry of cultural legacies in music, inspiring future musicians to live and create art well into their golden years. Who knew 96 was the new 76?. Fact: Being a widow for decades must have given her plenty of time to refine her own symphony of solitude. Talk about a solo career!.