AUGUST 20, 1979

Full News Archive

• Headline: Bishops Oppose Education Department Creation. Impact: If the US Catholic bishops had just embraced the idea of a Cabinet-level department of education, we might have seen a world where religious schools were the new public schools, and we'd all be brushing up on our catechism alongside algebra. God help us.. Fact: Did you know that the Catholic Church has been in opposition to various forms of government intervention since the time of the Romans? Must be hard to keep track of all the different 'evils'!.
• Headline: Ozark Airlines Strike Averted by Accord. Impact: Had Ozark Airlines gone on strike, the aviation industry might have faced a domino effect, leading to a nationwide 'Air Traffic Jam' where everyone would just be stuck in their hometowns indefinitely, building very awkward friendships with their neighbors.. Fact: It's funny how a few hours can save the world from a full-blown aviation crisis. Next time you’re running late, remember: you could be an airline executive negotiating a contract!.
• Headline: Capital Gains Tax on Foreign Farm Investments. Impact: Introducing taxes on foreign farm deals might have deterred investors, leading to a world where American farmers were forced to grow kale and quinoa for hipsters, forever changing our culinary landscape and our waistlines.. Fact: Did you know that Congress often treats farming like Monopoly money? Just when you think you’re about to buy Park Place, they hit you with a tax!.
• Headline: Rabbi Joel Teitelbaum Dies at 92; Leader of the Satmar Hasidic Sect. Impact: Rabbi Teitelbaum's passing left a significant void in the Hasidic community, which may have led to an increased search for spiritual guidance, resulting in a spike in 'How to be a Rabbi' classes across the internet. Who knew the internet could be so holy?. Fact: Rabbi Teitelbaum was known for his staunch opposition to Zionism, which in turn fueled many debates about Jewish identity that are still ongoing today. Religious discussions: the original reality TV drama!.
• Headline: Imports and Trucks Aid Dealers. Impact: If car dealers had fully embraced foreign cars during the slump, who knows? We might be living in an alternate universe where Americans drive only imported vehicles, and the phrase 'American muscle' is just a nostalgic memory.. Fact: Turns out, car dealers are just like us: when the going gets tough, they start looking for other options. Who knew?!.
• Headline: If You Dislike Lawyers, Read This. Impact: If more lawyers took David H Berg's advice to heart, we might have entered a golden age of legal representation where everyone actually wanted to hire lawyers, and they finally got the 'good' reputation they’ve always wanted. What a twist!. Fact: Who knew lawyers could weigh in on their own bad reputation? Maybe they can also tell us why the sky is blue while they're at it!.
• Headline: ENVOY SUGGESTS U.S. PLAY CANCEL ITS PLAN ON THE PALESTINIANS. Impact: Had the US actually sponsored a moderate resolution in the UN, we might have seen a diplomatic breakthrough that would have shifted the entire Middle Eastern political landscape—unless, of course, everyone just ignored it. Spoiler alert: they probably would.. Fact: In international relations, 'moderate' is often just a euphemism for 'let's all agree to disagree and then argue about it later.' Classic!.
• Headline: Soviet Astronauts Return to Earth After Record of 175 Days in Space. Impact: The successful return of Soviet astronauts might have inspired an intergalactic rivalry that led to a space race where humans started colonizing Mars just to get away from each other. Thanks, cosmonauts!. Fact: Did you know that astronauts have to train for months just to float around in space? All that for a view and a chance to tell people they were 'out of this world.'.
• Headline: Books of The Times. Impact: If the issues raised in 'Manipulated Science' had gained traction, we could have witnessed a full-blown scientific revolution that would have turned the Soviet Union into a land of intellectual freedom—because who doesn't love a good plot twist?. Fact: Science in the Soviet Union was often more about keeping the party line than actual facts. Think of it as a really intense game of telephone—only with research grants!.
• Headline: Reeve Shaking Off His Superman Image. Impact: If Christopher Reeve had fully shaken off his Superman image, we might have entered a golden age of superhero actors refusing to wear capes, thus saving Hollywood from a decade of questionable costume choices. We're looking at you, Green Lantern.. Fact: Reeve's transition from Superman to serious actor is a classic Hollywood trope. It’s like a rite of passage: wear tights, then win an Oscar. Simple!.