AUGUST 13, 1979

Full News Archive

• Headline: Bolshoi Ballet Features Semenyaka Once Again. Impact: If Ludmila Semenyaka hadn't dazzled the audience in 'The Stone Flower,' ballet might have devolved into interpretive dance featuring staplers and office chairs. You're welcome, world.. Fact: Ludmila Semenyaka once danced so beautifully that even the chandeliers applauded. Not really, but wouldn’t that be something?.
• Headline: Exploring 'Books of TheTimes' by Lehmann-Haupt. Impact: This article likely inspired countless readers to become bookworms, leading to a global shortage of bookmarks. Libraries everywhere are still feeling the pinch.. Fact: Reading is the only sport where you can get a medal for sitting on your couch. Go, team!.
• Headline: CIA Reports on Iran's Oil Production Limits. Impact: The CIA's report on Iran's oil output set off a chain reaction that ultimately led to the rise of alternative energy. Thanks to those oil analysts, we now have an obsession with solar panels and wind turbines.. Fact: If only the CIA had focused on their oil output predictions as much as they focus on conspiracy theories, they might’ve saved us from a few energy crises..
• Headline: 'scandinavization’. Impact: Charles A. Apffel's musings on 'Scandinavization' could have led to a world where IKEA furniture builds itself, and everyone gets a free meatball with every purchase. Alas, we live in the sad reality of manual assembly.. Fact: Scandinavian countries are so peaceful that their wars consist entirely of competitive saunas and who can build the best snowman..
• Headline: TV: A Biography of the Hudson River. Impact: The biography of the Hudson River probably made it the most famous river since the Nile, leading to an influx of tourists wanting to take selfies with it. Sorry, Hudson, you’re no longer just a river.. Fact: The Hudson River is the only river that can claim to be a star. Sorry Mississippi, your time will come... maybe..
• Headline: Houston Has Misgivings Over Problems of Growth. Impact: Houston's fire problems led to the invention of flame-retardant roofing, which is now the industry standard. So, thank you, cedar shingles, for inspiring fire safety innovations!. Fact: Houston might have a reputation for oil, but it’s also a hub for spontaneous combustion. Quite the party trick!.
• Headline: Italian Cabinet Wins Senate Vote. Impact: Cossiga's government passing a confidence vote set the stage for Italy's never-ending political drama. It's like a soap opera, but with more pasta and less logic.. Fact: Italy has had so many governments, they should consider making ‘Government’ a new Italian dish. Served with a side of chaos..
• Headline: U.S. Plans a Suit Assailing Police In Philadelphia. Impact: The DOJ's suit against the Philadelphia Police marked the beginning of a long, arduous journey for civil rights that continues to ripple through society. Who knew a lawsuit could be so impactful?. Fact: Civil rights lawsuits are like bad relationships; they often take way too long to resolve and leave everyone feeling a bit battered..