AUGUST 3, 1979

Full News Archive

• Headline: Pennsylvania Water Pollution Investigation Begins. Impact: This investigation led to stricter environmental regulations, which meant that future generations had to deal with fewer TCE spills – or at least fewer that were reported. Who knew that cleaning up after big corporations could actually save lives and keep fish from glowing in the dark?. Fact: Did you know that trichloroethylene is so toxic that if it were a person, it would definitely be the friend who convinces you to jump into the lake after a rainstorm? Definitely not a good idea!.
• Headline: L-1011 Returns Safely to San Diego. Impact: The plane's return sparked a trend where pilots began to take engine failure seriously, leading to the eventual creation of the much-loved in-flight safety demonstration. Who could forget the part about how to use the flotation devices? Thanks, engine failure!. Fact: Did you know that turning around mid-air was a trend long before it became a popular choice for indecisive diners? Just ask any pilot who has ever forgotten their in-flight meal order!.
• Headline: Koch Stands Firm on Baden's Dismissal. Impact: Mayor Koch's stubbornness led to a long-standing tradition of political leaders refusing to admit they might have made a mistake. This, of course, paved the way for decades of pointless political squabbles that still echo today. Thanks for that, Koch!. Fact: Did you know that sometimes, the best reason for a decision is just 'I said so'? It's the official motto of many a politician!.
• Headline: Bomb Device Found On Brooklyn Bridge. Impact: The discovery of this bomb device not only led to increased security measures but also gave rise to a new generation of conspiracy theorists who now believe that all bridges are secretly equipped with hidden explosives. Spoiler alert: they're not.. Fact: Did you know that bridges are more than just pretty structures? They're also prime real estate for anyone looking to make a dramatic statement... or a really bad one..
• Headline: Redskin Owner Buys Orioles. Impact: This purchase would eventually lead to the blending of fan bases, resulting in a bizarre cross-breeding of sports rivalries and the birth of some truly questionable team merchandise. Yes, nothing says 'team spirit' like a half-Redskin, half-Orioles jersey.. Fact: Did you know that buying two teams is a great way to hedge your bets? It's like saying, 'If I can't win one game, I might as well lose two!'.
• Headline: U.S. Plans a Campaign For Water Fluoridation. Impact: This campaign not only ensured healthier teeth for future generations but also sparked countless debates and conspiracy theories about government control over our dental hygiene. Who knew fluoride could turn you into a conspiracy theorist?. Fact: Did you know that fluoride is basically the dentist's version of a superhero? It fights cavities, and yet, some people think it will turn you into a mind-controlled zombie. How's that for a tooth fairy tale?.
• Headline: C.M. Chairman Strongly Opposes Special U.S. Aid Asked by Chrysler. Impact: This opposition set the stage for decades of corporate welfare debates, leading to the phrase 'too big to fail' becoming a household term. Because, clearly, failing is only an option for small businesses.. Fact: Did you know that saying 'no' to a huge corporation is like telling a toddler they can't have candy? Good luck with that!.
• Headline: U.S. Agency Opens Inquiry Into Safety of Subway Cars. Impact: This inquiry led to improved safety standards, ensuring that future subway riders wouldn't have to worry about flying debris or malfunctioning doors. You're welcome, future commuters!. Fact: Did you know that subway cars are basically metal tubes filled with strangers? It's like a social experiment that nobody signed up for!.
• Headline: Auctions. Impact: The art-auction boom inspired a generation of wannabe collectors who bought art not for love but as a 'smart investment.' Spoiler: Most of those investments turned out to be as valuable as a used napkin.. Fact: Did you know that bidding at an auction is the only place where shouting 'Mine!' can actually be a legal way to spend a fortune? Welcome to the world of high-stakes art collecting!.