JULY 28, 1979

Full News Archive

• Headline: Mrs. Sherk Ties for Golf Lead. Impact: Mrs. Sherk's golf prowess ultimately inspires a whole new generation of female golfers who, unbeknownst to them, would one day overthrow their male counterparts and start the Great Golf Revolution of 2045, where golf carts are replaced with hoverboards.. Fact: Did you know that golf was once banned in England because it was believed to distract men from practicing archery? Imagine trying to explain that to a modern golfer!.
• Headline: Dr. Harold Shapiro Becomes UM President. Impact: Dr. Harold Shapiro's ascension to the presidency at the University of Michigan sparks a chain reaction of academic leadership changes across the globe, resulting in a future where universities are governed by cats—because, let’s be honest, they already run our lives.. Fact: Did you know that the University of Michigan's mascot, the Wolverine, isn't actually a wolverine? It's just a glorified badger in a fancy costume. Go Blue!.
• Headline: Record-Breaking Hurdles by Marina Makeyeva. Impact: Marina Makeyeva’s record-breaking hurdle run causes a ripple effect leading to the global popularity of 400-meter hurdles, inadvertently resulting in a 2027 Olympics where all events are replaced by variations of hurdle races—welcome to the Hurdle Games.. Fact: Did you know that the 400-meter hurdles is often called the 'most grueling' event in track? Apparently, they didn’t consult the marathon runners before making that decision..
• Headline: Boy, Tried in Murder as Adult, Guilty of Lesser Crime. Impact: The lesser charge of manslaughter for Bonilla leads to an underground movement advocating for teenage legal rights, eventually resulting in a future where teenagers can run for president—because why not?. Fact: Did you know that in some states, a teenager can be tried as an adult for crimes? The real crime? Not being allowed to vote until they're 18..
• Headline: Ambition Fulfilled. Impact: Norman Wilner's Broadway book-selling experience becomes the foundation for countless 'how to sell books on the street' seminars in the future, leading to the rise of street corner book sales as a legitimate career path.. Fact: Did you know that Broadway originally started as a native American trail? Now it’s just a really long road where dreams go to die..
• Headline: Koch, Undaunted by Jeers, Signs Pay‐Increase Bill. Impact: Koch's decision to increase salaries amidst public outcry sets a precedent for politicians everywhere to turn a deaf ear to the masses, culminating in a future where citizens pay their leaders in 'social media likes' instead of actual currency.. Fact: Did you know that Mayor Koch would famously ask, 'How’m I doing?' as if he were a stand-up comedian? Spoiler: his ratings were often worse than a bad Netflix special..
• Headline: Litter Tale: Containers Just Vanish. Impact: As litter baskets vanish, a future movement is born where people start 'adopting' trash cans, leading to the rise of a bizarre subculture of litter basket enthusiasts who host annual 'Basket Adoption Days.'. Fact: Did you know that one man's trash is another man's treasure? In this case, it’s just another man’s missing litter basket!.
• Headline: Between Expression and Suppression. Impact: The editorial criticizing demonstrations by homosexuals inadvertently leads to the birth of pride parades, which eventually evolve into massive celebrations that attract tourists from across the globe—who knew repression could be so colorful?. Fact: Did you know that the first pride parade was held in New York City in 1970? It was like a giant party, but with more glitter and less 'you can't sit with us.'.
• Headline: Man Held in White House Crash. Impact: Poling's failed attempt to crash the White House creates a security frenzy that results in future presidents hiring 'car crash consultants'—a profession that somehow becomes wildly popular.. Fact: Did you know that the White House has had more security breaches than a high school with a terrible security guard? Maybe it's time to invest in some better locks..
• Headline: Dissent Splits Italy's Red Brigades. Impact: The internal strife within Italy's Red Brigades leads to the eventual dissolution of the group, inspiring a future where dissenters become reality TV stars, making the rebellious lifestyle oddly glamorous.. Fact: Did you know that the Red Brigades were once considered a serious threat to Italy? Now they’d probably be more at home on a reality show called 'Real Life Rebels of Rome.'.