JULY 8, 1979

Full News Archive

• Headline: White-Collar Salary Growth in 1979. Impact: This salary increase led to a nationwide trend where white-collar workers began to expect raises at the same rate as inflation. Fast forward to today, and it’s the reason why workers are demanding therapy for their unmet salary expectations. Fact: Did you know that in some alternate timeline, the BLS report was actually a memo from a very confused squirrel named Albert, who thought he was the new economic advisor?.
• Headline: New England Brass Works in Westchester. Impact: The establishment of New England Brass Works inspired a musical revolution where all instruments were required to be brass, leading to a strange era where woodwinds were banished to the shadows—and yet, jazz somehow survived. Fact: Fun fact: Brass instruments are known to be the loudest at parties, which is why they often end up in the 'bring your own noise' section of any gathering.
• Headline: Ella Grasso's Plain Language Legislation. Impact: This bill was the beginning of a long, arduous journey toward making contracts readable, which ultimately led to people realizing they were signing their lives away while just trying to get Wi-Fi. Fact: Who knew that the key to understanding legal documents was just to make them sound like a middle school essay? 'In conclusion, the terms are not that serious!'.
• Headline: Landlord Questioned in Shooting Of an Off‐Duty Policeman on S.I.. Impact: This tragic incident sparked a community dialogue about landlord-tenant relationships, eventually resulting in a sitcom that, ironically, portrayed landlords as the heroes. Spoiler: It got canceled after one season. Fact: In a bizarre twist, the off-duty policeman’s last words were reportedly about needing to find a better lease. Truly a tragic irony.
• Headline: Chicago Scofflaw Faces $62,800 Parking Fine. Impact: This fine set a precedent for parking enforcement that would later inspire a number of reality TV shows where parking enforcement officers competed to find the biggest scofflaws. Plot twist: nobody won. Fact: Did you know that if Laurence had paid his fines on time, he could have bought a small island instead? But hey, who needs tropical paradise when you can have an endless array of parking tickets?.
• Headline: ABT. Impact: The exhibit honoring John Cotton Dana inspired future generations of museum directors to embrace the idea that art should be accessible, which eventually led to the creation of the world’s first 'art-in-a-jar' concept. Fact: In the world of art, John Cotton Dana is remembered as the man who convinced everyone that museums could also be fun. Shocking, I know!.
• Headline: Blacks Debate Role of Their Modern‐Day Churches. Impact: This debate ignited a series of discussions that influenced religious movements worldwide, ultimately leading to the establishment of the 'Church of the Perpetually Confused'—which surprisingly gained a large following. Fact: Fun fact: The average church debate is akin to a reality show—lots of drama, unexpected alliances, and at least one person storming out to start their own rival congregation.
• Headline: Around the Nation. Impact: The university's request for a hearing about government intrusion sparked a nationwide movement that eventually led to the creation of university mascots that protested from the sidelines—because nothing says 'serious issue' like a giant inflatable bear. Fact: Did you know that the most effective way to fight government intrusion is by using interpretive dance? Just kidding, but it seems to be the default option for many universities.
• Headline: THEATER ‘Side by Side’ Delights Anew. Impact: The revival of 'Side by Side by Sondheim' led to an unexpected boom in community theater productions, resulting in a renaissance of bad acting and even worse singing—but hey, at least they were trying!. Fact: Did you know that Sondheim once wrote a musical about a time-traveling historian? It flopped spectacularly, but the concept was a hit at all the wrong parties.