JULY 1, 1979

Full News Archive

• Headline: Elderly Equestrian's Passion for Ponies. Impact: Leila Havens' dedication to ponies inspired a secret society of elderly equestrians who now control the world's pony racing circuit. The outcome? A surge in pony-themed retirement homes and a global obsession with mini horses as therapy animals.. Fact: Leila’s secret to longevity? She claims it’s all about the ponies... or was it the gin? Who knows, she’s 88!.
• Headline: Explore East Hampton's Architectural Heritage. Impact: This exhibit sparked a nationwide trend of people photographing their own homes and calling it 'art,' leading to a massive increase in Instagram influencers and a drop in actual architectural appreciation.. Fact: East Hampton's architecture is so historic that it’s rumored to have once housed an aspiring architect who couldn’t draw a straight line. Talk about a legacy!.
• Headline: Electric Cars: They're Slow, But So Are Gasoline Lines. Impact: This revelation about electric cars led to a massive increase in demand for slow-moving traffic cones, which are now a staple of modern urban landscapes. Who knew that cones could be trendsetters?. Fact: Experts say electric cars will take off as soon as we figure out how to make batteries that don’t weigh more than a small elephant. Good luck with that!.
• Headline: Music Notes: A New Way to Make Operas. Impact: This innovative approach to opera writing resulted in an unexpected boom in musical theater, eventually leading to a dystopian future where all communication is conducted through song and dance. Thank you, National Opera Institute!. Fact: In an effort to modernize operas, they’re considering adding a rap section. Because nothing says 'high culture' like a dramatic recitation of the latest Billboard hits..
• Headline: N.A.A.C.P., Ending 70th Parley, Is Divided on Role in Civil Rights. Impact: This division within the NAACP prompted a re-evaluation of civil rights organizations, leading to the birth of several offshoots that argue over who gets to claim the title of 'most impactful.' Spoiler alert: they all claim it.. Fact: The NAACP’s meetings have become so divided that they now consider splitting into two factions: the 'Proactive' and the 'Reactive.' Sounds productive, right?.
• Headline: Capital Report. Impact: Bruce Coe's rescinding of dismissals led to a secret underground movement of disgruntled government employees who now hold weekly meetings to plot their revenge against bureaucracy. Spoiler: it involves lots of coffee.. Fact: They say that government employees are like cats—hard to get rid of and even harder to train. Bruce Coe learned that the hard way!.
• Headline: History of Talks Between Koreas. Impact: The ongoing talks have inadvertently led to a global fascination with Korean BBQ, resulting in world leaders now holding summits over sizzling plates of bulgogi instead of conference tables.. Fact: The only thing more complicated than the talks between Koreas is trying to order food at a Korean BBQ restaurant without embarrassing yourself..
• Headline: The Legislature Ignores the Woman. Impact: This neglect sparked a movement among women who now form their own political parties, leading to the rise of 'Legislation for Women’s Issues' which has accidentally turned into a reality show. Tune in for the drama!. Fact: The last session was so neglectful that they considered renaming it 'The Great Distraction'—which would actually be an appropriate title for most legislative sessions..