JUNE 21, 1979

Full News Archive

• Headline: 1972 Subway Car Warranty Changes. Impact: This seemingly innocuous change led to a future where subway cars became the unsung heroes of urban transportation, resulting in every city eventually having its own subway system, all because someone forgot to read the fine print.. Fact: In a parallel universe, subway cars are equipped with WiFi and gourmet coffee bars. But alas, in this timeline, we just have broken air conditioning and mystery smells..
• Headline: Governors Challenge Export License Policies. Impact: The governors’ newfound power to influence export licenses unwittingly set the stage for future 'governor summits' where the real decision-makers were actually just trying to get free snacks and a good selfie.. Fact: This was the moment when governors realized they could actually flex some muscle, leading to future political conventions where snacks were prioritized over policies. Because who doesn't love a good cheese platter?.
• Headline: LINES AT GAS PUMPS SEEM TO BE SHORTER. Impact: This minor improvement in gas line length paradoxically led to the rise of the 'Gasoline Shortage Anxiety Disorder'—where people became irrationally paranoid about running out of gas even when they had a full tank.. Fact: In a twist of fate, this gas crisis led to the invention of the world's first gas pump yoga class: 'Breathe in, breathe out, don’t panic about the price.'.
• Headline: New Accord Reached in Paper Strike. Impact: The resolution of this strike not only saved jobs but also inspired a whole generation of paper workers to form unions, leading to a dramatic increase in 'paperless' office movements that are still hilariously ironic today.. Fact: The irony of a paper strike leading to a push for digital solutions is not lost on anyone. You know, because we all remember the time when the internet was supposed to make paper obsolete—yet here we are, still printing out emails..
• Headline: Jana Angelakis Captures Women's Fencing Crown. Impact: Jana’s victory sparked a worldwide fencing renaissance, leading to a bizarre trend where everyone suddenly believed they were ready for the Olympics after a single fencing class. Spoiler: They weren’t.. Fact: Jana’s triumph is often overshadowed by the fact that most people still think fencing involves actual swords instead of those fancy foils. Who knew being a fencer meant more than just looking cool in a mask?.
• Headline: Books of TheTimes. Impact: This innocuous review shaped the future of literary criticism, establishing a hierarchy of book reviewers, thus leading to the rise of people who think they’re qualified to critique novels after reading just one.. Fact: John Leonard’s reviews were so influential that they inspired countless wannabe critics to write reviews about reviews, leading to a never-ending cycle of literary analysis and existential dread..
• Headline: Mattel's Diversified Comeback. Impact: In an attempt to recover from past scandals, Mattel's revival inadvertently set the stage for the modern age of consumerism, where toys became more about marketing than playtime. Thanks, Barbie, for the endless plastic future.. Fact: Mattel’s comeback story could fill a novel—if only they didn’t have to make a million action figures first. Seriously, who needs that many versions of Ken?.
• Headline: G.O.P. in House Gives No. 3 Job To Rep. Devine. Impact: This election led to a chain reaction where every future political race became a contest of who can yell the loudest at lunchtime, ultimately culminating in the reality TV spectacle we call politics today.. Fact: The G.O.P.'s internal squabbles are a reminder that politics is less about governance and more about who can throw the best tantrum in a suit. Spoiler alert: It’s often not the one you think..
• Headline: Car Output Off 18.3% in Britain. Impact: This decline not only affected car manufacturing but also led to a renaissance of public transportation. Who knew that fewer cars would result in more double-decker buses and a newfound love for the tube?. Fact: In response to this production drop, the British started a 'Car-Free Thursday' movement, which is still a thing—mostly because nobody could afford to drive anyway..