JUNE 1, 1979

Full News Archive

• Headline: Tragic Mine Attack on Thai Soldiers. Impact: The tragic deaths of these soldiers led to a dramatic increase in military spending, which ironically funded the creation of a new line of poorly designed helmets that only made things worse. Thanks, butterfly effect!. Fact: Mines: the original party poppers for rebels looking to spice up their day!.
• Headline: Devon Horse Show Grand Prix Triumph. Impact: Old English's Grand Prix win sparked a bizarre trend where horses began applying for their own reality TV shows. Spoiler alert: they never made it past the auditions.. Fact: If only horses could talk, they'd probably complain about their riders stealing their spotlight. And maybe even their hay..
• Headline: Jazzmen Honor Mingus at Carnegie Hall. Impact: The salute to Mingus ignited a jazz renaissance that caused a worldwide shortage of berets and saxophones, leading to a black market for musical accessories.. Fact: Charles Mingus once said, 'If you don't like my music, you can go listen to elevator music.' Elevator music still hasn’t recovered..
• Headline: Mandatory System Alleged. Impact: This ruling sent shockwaves through the rubber industry, resulting in an increase in rubber duck sales as a coping mechanism for stressed-out factory workers.. Fact: Rubber ducks: the real heroes of corporate America, keeping morale afloat one squeak at a time!.
• Headline: May Chain‐Store Sales Reflect Slower Buying. Impact: The sales decline prompted retailers to invent 'Retail Therapy,' a practice that led to shopping addiction being formally recognized as a sport by the International Olympic Committee. Gold medals for impulse buying!. Fact: Sears, Roebuck & Co. is the original 'where did my paycheck go?' store..
• Headline: Scholarship Limited to Men Is Target of Discrimination Suit. Impact: This discrimination suit led to a historic shift in scholarship policies, inadvertently inspiring a series of sitcoms where men tried to sneak into women's colleges. Hilarity ensued.. Fact: This scholarship was like the VIP club of the educational world, but only for those holding a Y chromosome..
• Headline: Art People. Impact: David Shapiro's appointment led to a revolution in art criticism where critics began using emojis to express their feelings about art—because why not?. Fact: Art critics: the only people who can make a living describing the color of paint on a canvas while wearing berets..
• Headline: The New York Times/Sera Krulwich. Impact: The reopening of Radio City Music Hall led to a resurgence in vaudeville acts, paving the way for a bizarre 90s revival where tap dancing became a compulsory part of every family gathering.. Fact: Radio City Music Hall: where dreams go to perform, and sometimes get heckled by a pigeon..
• Headline: U.S. Rally Takes Walker Cup Golf. Impact: The U.S. Walker Cup victory inspired a generation of amateur golfers who thought they could also defeat Great Britain, leading to countless embarrassing attempts and a rise in golf-related injuries.. Fact: Golf: the only sport where yelling 'fore!' is an acceptable warning before a potential head injury..
• Headline: Trial On in Penn Dixie Case. Impact: The Penn Dixie case turned into a legal drama that sparked an entire genre of courtroom thrillers, leading to a spike in popcorn sales as viewers tuned into the 'real-life' drama.. Fact: Jerome Castle's trial was so riveting, even the judge had to remind himself it wasn't a Netflix series..