APRIL 6, 1979

Full News Archive

• Headline: Carter's Meeting with Church Leaders. Impact: This meeting led to the formation of a secret society of bishops who decided that if they could influence a peanut farmer, they could influence anyone. Thus began the era of holy influencers on social media, though they didn't anticipate the selfies.. Fact: Did you know that peanut butter was actually invented because bishops needed a spread that could double as a sermon prop? Just kidding, but wouldn't that be amusing?.
• Headline: Francis Pintauro Appointed Advertising VP. Impact: Francis Pintauro's promotion led to the world being flooded with ads for things we never knew we needed, like glow-in-the-dark shoelaces and inflatable dartboards. Thanks, advertising, for making our lives just a little more chaotic.. Fact: Did you know that advertising is the only profession where you can convince people to buy things they didn't know existed, while simultaneously making them feel bad for not having it?.
• Headline: TWA Flight's Incredible Emergency Landing. Impact: This incident inspired a new genre of extreme sports: airplane diving. Thousands now try to recreate the experience, which only leads to more flight cancellations and a rise in therapy sessions for anxious travelers.. Fact: Did you know that surviving a near-speed of sound dive is now a prerequisite for becoming a flight attendant? Just kidding, but it would definitely spice up the safety demonstrations!.
• Headline: World News Briefs. Impact: France's nuclear power expansion inadvertently led to a worldwide obsession with all things nuclear, spawning a series of superhero movies where the heroes get their powers from radiation. Spoiler alert: they all have terrible skin.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more explosive than nuclear energy is a French debate over whether to add cheese to every dish? Now that's a real power struggle!.
• Headline: Bay State Women's Panel Disbanded. Impact: The disbanding of the panel led to the rise of underground women’s groups who traded secrets and tips on how to thrive without official recognition. They called themselves 'The Committee of the Exiled,' and they had the best cookie recipes.. Fact: Did you know that when one women’s panel disbands, two more pop up in its place? It’s like the hydra of social justice—cut one off, and two more will take its place!.
• Headline: Don't Throw Your Old Suits Away. Impact: This article sparked a global movement of vintage suit fashion shows where people dressed in 80s suits to relive their glory days, leading to many regrettable fashion choices and a resurgence of bad haircuts.. Fact: Did you know that 'vintage' is just a fancy term for 'I can’t believe I still have this in my closet'? You can thank the 80s for the rise of thrift shops everywhere!.
• Headline: Ford Motors Agrees to $500,000 For Survivors of 3 in Auto Crash. Impact: This settlement led to a dramatic increase in lawsuits against automobile manufacturers, resulting in a reality show called 'Pimp My Settlement' where lawyers would compete for the biggest payouts. Drama ensued.. Fact: Did you know that crashes and settlements are the only two things that drive the auto industry more than consumer demand? Just saying!.
• Headline: Alabamian Granted a Supreme Court Stay. Impact: The granting of the stay became a pivotal moment in the fight for justice, inspiring countless people to think that maybe, just maybe, the judicial system could occasionally side with the little guy. Spoiler: it was a short-lived hope.. Fact: Did you know that the word 'stay' in legal terms is just as confusing as it is when your dog refuses to listen? Both can lead to prolonged periods of anxiety!.
• Headline: CIA, AIDE DEPLORES DATA‐RELEASE LAW. Impact: This outcry led to the creation of the most secretive blog ever, where former spies shared their favorite recipes under pseudonyms. The blog was a hit until someone accidentally revealed their identities while trying to promote their memoirs.. Fact: Did you know that the CIA once tried to launch a cooking show called 'Secrets of the Kitchen'? It was canceled after one episode when they realized no one wanted to reveal their spice blends..