MARCH 20, 1979

Full News Archive

• Headline: The Life of William Walzer. Impact: Little did the world know that William Walzer's name would inspire an entire generation of Walzers to take up the art of... well, being named Walzer. The ripple effect? A thousand awkward introductions at cocktail parties.. Fact: Did you know 'Walzer' is German for 'waltz'? So, basically, every time someone dances the waltz, they owe a thank you to this guy. You're welcome, world!.
• Headline: Teamsters Prepare for Potential Strike Action. Impact: The ripple effect of this strike vote was so powerful that it inadvertently led to the invention of the coffee break. Without the strike, we might never have experienced the joy of pretending to be busy while sipping coffee.. Fact: Fun fact: Teamsters have been around so long they've seen it all—even the invention of the 'coffee cup' emoji. Truly groundbreaking!.
• Headline: Jack Ryan Appointed Michigan Exec VP. Impact: Jack Ryan's new position in advertising set off a chain reaction that would eventually lead to the creation of annoying ads on every social media platform. Thanks a lot, Jack!. Fact: Did you know that in the world of advertising, every second counts? Just like how long it takes for me to roll my eyes at yet another ad for 'miracle' weight loss pills!.
• Headline: Concert: Dufallo Leads ‘Visions’ by Wernick. Impact: Richard Duffalo's conducting of 'Visions of Terror and Wonder' inspired a trend of naming concerts after feelings, leading to 'Visions of Mild Discomfort' and 'Deeply Confused Symphony' which are yet to debut.. Fact: Did you know that music can evoke powerful emotions? Just like listening to your ex's favorite song on repeat—now that's truly a 'vision of terror and wonder'!.
• Headline: Author of Article About H‐Bomb Gives Affidavit in Magazine Fight. Impact: Howard Morland's affidavit against the government ignited a series of events that led to the rise of conspiracy theorists everywhere, who now claim that the government is hiding alien technology under their beds.. Fact: Fun fact: The H-bomb debate was almost overshadowed by the question of whether or not pineapple belongs on pizza. Spoiler: it does not!.
• Headline: Survey Finds That Offers of Jobs For Graduates Rose 30% in Year. Impact: This job surge sparked a frenzy of graduation celebrations that led to an unprecedented rise in 'Congratulations, You Did It!' cards, which are now responsible for 50% of all paper waste.. Fact: Did you know that 30% of graduates still end up in jobs that have nothing to do with their degrees? So, in a way, this survey was just a fancy way of saying, 'Good luck!'.
• Headline: CAREY TAX CUT PLAN SEEMS TO BE DEAD AS LAWMAKERS BALK. Impact: The collapse of Gov. Carey's tax plan led to the rise of the 'Tax Cut Support Group,' a secret society where lawmakers gather to discuss the pain of budget constraints and share snacks.. Fact: Did you know that tax plans are like fashion trends? They come and go, but somehow, they always seem to be out of style!.
• Headline: In the Subways, Koch Says, Perception of Crime Is Real. Impact: Koch's statement on crime perception led to the establishment of the 'New York Subway Safety Awareness Program,' which now trains pigeons to alert commuters of danger—a feat of avian ingenuity.. Fact: Fun fact: In the New York subway, the perception of crime is often overshadowed by the reality of someone trying to sell you a mixtape at 7 AM!.
• Headline: Jesuits Say China Has Not Asked Them to Return. Impact: The Jesuits' readiness to return to China may have inadvertently influenced the rise of cultural exchanges, leading to an increase in noodle shops in every city—because who doesn't love a good noodle?. Fact: In 1949, there were 1,000 Jesuit priests in China. That's one way to make sure you never run out of spiritual guidance or a good theological debate over dinner!.