MARCH 16, 1979

Full News Archive

• Headline: Brzezinski's Role in Middle East Peace. Impact: Brzezinski's intervention in Middle Eastern negotiations could be seen as the pivotal moment that led to countless diplomatic missions, peace talks, and political dramas that would make even the best soap opera look tame. Who knew the fate of the region hinged on a little pushback?. Fact: Did you know that James Reston’s analysis is basically just him saying, 'Hey, remember that time someone almost did something sensible?'.
• Headline: Boosting Small Business Investment Strategies. Impact: Ah, the wonderful world of venture capital—where the rich get richer and the small businesses get... well, slightly less poor. It’s like giving a fish a bicycle and then wondering why it still can’t swim. Fact: Did you know that eliminating capital gains tax is like throwing a party for millionaires and expecting them to share the cake with the rest of us? Spoiler: they don’t.
• Headline: Rumsfeld's Remedy for Searle. Impact: Rumsfeld's strategy of slashing jobs and focusing on profits might have influenced corporate America to adopt the same approach—leading to a workforce that feels more like a revolving door than a stable career path. Thanks for the inspiration, Don!. Fact: Did you know that reducing staff is just corporate speak for 'Let's make the remaining employees do twice the work for half the appreciation?'.
• Headline: ISRAELIS KILL TWO IN WEST BANK CLASH. Impact: The deaths of two Arab demonstrators in a clash can be seen as a tragic reminder of the ongoing cycle of violence in the region, where every event reverberates through history, creating waves of conflict that seem impossible to quell. Fact: It’s a harsh reality that such clashes often lead to more than just immediate consequences; they reverberate in the lives of countless individuals for generations.
• Headline: Full Inquiry Set In City's Action On Bus Shelters. Impact: The investigation into bus shelters could have led to a national obsession with public transportation aesthetics. Imagine a world where every bus stop looks like a trendy coffee shop—now that’s progress!. Fact: Did you know that a full-scale investigation into bus shelters is basically city hall's version of 'let’s distract ourselves from actual issues'?.
• Headline: United Airlines Employees Reject Pact and Set Deadline for Strike. Impact: The looming strike at United Airlines could be seen as the spark that ignited a series of labor movements across various industries. It’s like a game of dominoes, but with more shouting and fewer snacks. Fact: Did you know that rejecting a contract offer is just union lingo for 'We’re not settling for less, even if it means we might get nothing at all?'.
• Headline: About Real Estate. Impact: The growing problems in NYC real estate could be considered the early warning signs of the housing crisis that would eventually grip the nation. Who knew that ignoring tax-foreclosed properties would lead to a game of urban Monopoly where no one wins?. Fact: Did you know that NYC’s real estate problems are just a fancy way of saying, 'We have way too many empty houses and not enough people who can afford to live in them?'.
• Headline: Munch Show At the Modern Is a Small Gem. Impact: The glowing review of Munch's show could be seen as the moment art critics decided that expressing emotions through paint was the way to go, leading to a trend of painters pouring their existential dread onto canvas. Welcome to modern art!. Fact: Did you know that praising a small art exhibit is basically critics saying, 'Look at me, I appreciate the tortured souls of artists!'?.
• Headline: Connecticut Banks Fight Out-of-State Incursion. Impact: The fight against out-of-state banks in Connecticut could be viewed as the beginning of a long battle over local versus corporate interests—spoiler alert: local businesses often lose. It’s like watching a David vs. Goliath story, but Goliath has a much bigger budget. Fact: Did you know that banks are just like that uninvited guest at a party—always trying to crash the local market and take over the snacks?.