MARCH 12, 1979

Full News Archive

• Headline: Resilient Streams in New River Valley. Impact: The discovery that silt-polluted streams can recover rapidly led to a rush of environmentalists adopting the motto 'If nature can bounce back, so can we!' resulting in a bizarre trend of people throwing silt at each other in parks as a form of therapy.. Fact: The fish in these streams might be more resilient than your average college student during finals week!.
• Headline: Tipping Dynamics in Modern Dining. Impact: This tipping debate sparked a worldwide movement where waiters began leaving sarcastic comments on bills, eventually leading to the establishment of the International Society for the Promotion of Tipping Transparency, which was ironically not tipped at all.. Fact: In some countries, tipping is considered offensive. So, if you're ever confused, just remember: a 20% tip in the U.S. is like a thank you card in Japan—nice, but not necessary..
• Headline: Piano: Arthur Fennimore. Impact: Arthur Fennimore's piano recital inspired a new genre of music called 'Piano With Attitude,' which combined classical piano with heavy metal riffs, leading to the bizarre emergence of headbanging pianists.. Fact: Piano recitals are the only place where people can clap quietly enough to make a librarian jealous..
• Headline: 12‐Year‐Old Steals Gymnastics Show. Impact: The 12-year-old stealing the gymnastics show led to a youth uprising in sports, resulting in the formation of 'Kid Athletes United' where children demanded to be taken seriously in all sports—especially dodgeball.. Fact: Tracee Talavera was so good that even her shadow was awarded a gold medal..
• Headline: Books of The Times. Impact: Timothy Ferris's book on the edge of the universe sparked an existential crisis in many readers, leading to a surge in sales of self-help books about finding 'personal edges'—with varying degrees of success.. Fact: The universe is vast, but your local bookstore is probably still smaller than your online shopping cart..
• Headline: Colombia Army Said to Torture Leftist Suspects. Impact: The reported torture of leftist suspects in Colombia created a global outcry, sparking the establishment of 'Torture Awareness Day'—which is ironically celebrated with a lot of indifference.. Fact: Human rights violations are like bad Wi-Fi signals; the further you get from civilization, the worse they seem to be..
• Headline: Song: Clancy Brothers. Impact: The Clancy Brothers' performance at Carnegie Hall led to the accidental creation of a new genre: 'Irish Rock.' This genre is now solely defined by the number of bagpipes one can fit into a rock band.. Fact: The last time someone checked, bagpipes were still considered the national instrument of Scotland, and they are also known to scare away most forms of wildlife..
• Headline: McGovern Urges Orter Dismiss Schlesinger for Energy Policies. Impact: McGovern's call to fire Schlesinger for energy policies led to a series of energy crises that resulted in the invention of the 'Couch Potato Energy Plan,' where citizens harnessed the power of sitting on their couches all day.. Fact: In politics, 'disaster' is just another word for 'I need a new job.'.
• Headline: Dance: Bat‐Dor Company of Israel. Impact: The Bat-Dor Dance Company's U.S. debut resulted in a bizarre fusion of Israeli folk dance with hip-hop, giving birth to 'Hip-Israeli'—a trend that confused many and dazzled few.. Fact: Dance companies are the only groups that can get away with wearing tights in public without raising eyebrows, or at least they hope so!.