MARCH 4, 1979

Full News Archive

• Headline: Inside Ma Bell's Business Empire. Impact: The $9 billion captive led to a nationwide obsession with telecommunications, resulting in everyone suddenly needing to call their friends 10 times a day, which ultimately caused a national shortage of phone booths. Thanks, Ma Bell!. Fact: Did you know that in 1978, people still thought 'having a landline' was a status symbol? Imagine telling your future kids about that!.
• Headline: Tanker and Yacht Collision in Pacific. Impact: The collision of the tanker and yacht caused a ripple effect in maritime law, leading to stricter regulations about how oil tankers should navigate near pleasure crafts. This paved the way for the 'No Boat Left Behind' movement, which no one asked for.. Fact: Did you know that after this incident, people started calling yachts 'floating liabilities'? Who knew luxury could be so dangerous?.
• Headline: Milestone Approval for Nuclear Research Project. Impact: The approval of the big nuclear device led to a chain reaction of scientific breakthroughs, ultimately resulting in the creation of the internet. Yes, thank the particles for your cat videos!. Fact: Did you know that the only real collision that ever happened with this device was between scientists arguing over coffee breaks?.
• Headline: Singles Weekends in the Catskills: More Than Just the Meeting Game. Impact: The Singles Weekends in the Catskills inadvertently sparked the rise of speed dating in the 1990s. All because someone thought it'd be a good idea to gather lonely hearts and serve them overpriced cocktails.. Fact: Did you know that the Concord Hotel became so famous for these weekends that single people started to consider it a 'dating Mecca'? Who knew desperation could be so profitable?.
• Headline: LANG SON CAPTURED; CHINA IS REPORTED READY TO PULL OUT. Impact: The capture of Lang Son and the potential Chinese troop withdrawal helped shape the geopolitical landscape in Southeast Asia, leading to a decades-long game of chess that no one really wanted to play.. Fact: Did you know that this event was so pivotal that it even made it into the history books, unlike your high school prom?.
• Headline: SPORTS. Impact: The expansion of the Aetna World Cup Tennis Tournament led to the birth of even more international competitions, which ultimately resulted in a 20-year debate over which country has the best athletes—spoiler alert: it’s always the country that wins.. Fact: Did you know that tennis was once considered a 'gentleman's game'? Now it's just a battle for bragging rights and lucrative endorsements..
• Headline: What's Doing in WARSAW. Impact: The article on Warsaw tourism led to a significant increase in travel, resulting in the city being overwhelmed with tourists who all wanted to take selfies in front of the same historical buildings.. Fact: Did you know that Warsaw's tourism board now has a therapy program for locals suffering from 'selfie fatigue'? It's a real thing!.
• Headline: BOOK ENDS. Impact: The establishment of new book awards turned publishing into a competitive sport, leading to authors forming alliances, and eventually, the first-ever 'Author Olympics.'. Fact: Did you know that the National Book Awards are still trying to figure out how to judge a book based solely on its cover?.
• Headline: POINT OF VIEW. Impact: The article on skyrocketing Fed pay scales led to an inflationary spiral of salaries that resulted in more people than ever dreaming of becoming bureaucrats. Ah, the American Dream!. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'money doesn't grow on trees' was officially retired after this announcement? It clearly was just a rumor!.