MARCH 2, 1979

Full News Archive

• Headline: Early Music Concert at Carnegie Recital Hall. Impact: The New York Consort for Poetry and Music performs, inspiring countless hipsters to revive Renaissance poetry slams, eventually leading to a 21st-century explosion of obscure literary festivals where everyone pretends to understand what 'iambic pentameter' means. Fact: Soprano Rosalind Rees could probably sing you a Shakespearean sonnet, but let's be honest, your karaoke rendition of 'Bohemian Rhapsody' is still more impressive.
• Headline: NCR Launches New Era of Computing. Impact: NCR's unveiling of new computers sends shockwaves through the tech industry, causing IBM to panic and hastily develop the first smartphone, which eventually leads to the rise of TikTok and your inability to look away from cat videos. Fact: These computers were so advanced for their time that they probably could have run a successful campaign for president—definitely more capable than a few folks we've seen in office.
• Headline: Mary McFadden: Life of Her Own Design. Impact: Mary McFadden's fashion journey inspires future designers to think outside the box, leading to the bizarre trend of 'wearable art' that no one dares to wear outside of art galleries. Fact: Fashion designers like McFadden are the reason why we have runway shows instead of just wearing whatever's clean on laundry day—so thank them the next time you struggle to pull off a turtleneck.
• Headline: Shoes and Ships and Sealing Wax. Impact: Red Smith's article sparks a revolution in sports negotiations, leading to the creation of the 'Free Agent Freedom Fighters,' a group dedicated to ensuring players can flaunt their contract negotiations like reality TV stars. Fact: This whole saga over free agency is basically sports' version of Tinder—everyone swiping right for the best deal while pretending to be interested in something deeper.
• Headline: Waiver Bill On Punitive Tariff Gains. Impact: The Waiver Bill's passage leads to a series of trade agreements that inadvertently pave the way for the rise of international snack food, changing the way we perceive global cuisine and our waistlines forever. Fact: Thanks to this bill, we can now enjoy exotic snacks from around the world—because nothing says 'international diplomacy' like sharing chips and salsa with someone from a different country.
• Headline: Small Towns Join Forces to Get Cable TV. Impact: Small towns uniting for cable TV leads to the creation of communal viewing parties, which eventually morph into the modern-day phenomenon known as 'binge-watching,' causing a national decline in social interactions. Fact: Before cable TV, small towns relied on gossip and neighborly visits for entertainment. Now, they just gossip about the latest season finale of whatever show is trending this week.
• Headline: E.P.A., Citing Miscarriages, Restricts 2 Herbicides. Impact: The EPA's herbicide restrictions inadvertently lead to a surge in organic farming, which eventually gives rise to overpriced kale salads that haunt us during every brunch outing. Fact: 2,4,5-T and Silvex may have been banned, but don't worry! Your local grocery store will still charge you $10 for a tiny bottle of organic herbicide-free pumpkin spice latte.
• Headline: House Panel Investigating the Awarding of a Contract for Saudi Schools. Impact: The investigation into the Saudi school contract leads to a secret network of international educational espionage, where countries compete to see who can build the fanciest vocational school while ignoring actual education. Fact: Who knew that the fate of vocational schools could spark a scandal worthy of a soap opera? 'As the Contracts Turn' could be the next big hit on daytime TV!.