MARCH 1, 1979

Full News Archive

• Headline: Sanjay Gandhi's Contested Will. Impact: If Wills Sanjay Gandhi had gotten his waterfront property without a hitch, it might have inspired future generations to create elaborate estate disputes over fictitious underwater real estate. Who knew that squabbling over property could lead to the invention of reality TV?. Fact: Marie Whittaker protested the will, proving that even in the 1970s, people understood that family drama could be more riveting than any soap opera..
• Headline: Canada's Kamikaze Kids Take the Ice. Impact: The dismissal of Larry Hillman might have created a ripple effect that led to an entire generation of hockey players believing they could coach their own teams. Spoiler alert: they couldn't.. Fact: The term 'Kamikaze Kids' was probably coined to make it sound like a bad anime rather than a cautionary tale about safety in sports..
• Headline: Harlem Troupe Presents Balanchine's Serenade. Impact: The Harlem Troupe's performance of 'Serenade' likely inspired future choreographers to believe they could create masterpieces without any understanding of gravity or basic human anatomy. Thanks, Balanchine!. Fact: George Balanchine's work was so influential that even today, people think they can just wiggle around and call it 'dance.'.
• Headline: AT HOME ABROAD. Impact: The scandal involving South Africa's Information Ministry set a precedent for future government officials to think that bribing people was just another Tuesday. Ah, the power of questionable ethics!. Fact: Cornelius P Mulder's role in this scandal proves that sometimes, buying friends is easier than making them..
• Headline: Base for Checking Soviet Testing Is Evacuated —20 Americans Safe. Impact: Evacuating the electronic base at Kabkan meant that the U.S. had to rely on good old-fashioned guesswork to monitor Soviet missile tests. Who needs technology when you have a crystal ball?. Fact: This evacuation might've inspired the phrase 'better safe than sorry,' but really, it was just 'better safe than blown to bits.'.
• Headline: PENTAGON IS URGING INDIAN OCEAN FLEET. Impact: The push for a naval presence in the Indian Ocean likely led to an increased obsession with naval strategy in high school history classes, forever boring students to tears.. Fact: Sec Brown's concern over oilfields in Dhahran suggests that he might have been an early advocate for the 'Protect the Oil' fan club..
• Headline: Stage: ‘Golden Pond’ At the New Apollo. Impact: The revival of 'Golden Pond' likely led to numerous other productions about aging and regret, creating a whole genre of theater that makes you question your life choices. Thanks, theater!. Fact: It's considered a classic, but really, it's just a reminder that getting older doesn't come with a manual—just a lot of existential dread..
• Headline: Fighting at Lang Son, A Key Chinese Goal, Now Reported Intense. Impact: Intensifying fighting at Lang Son may have set off a series of events that made military strategists realize that sometimes, border disputes are just excuses for endless paperwork.. Fact: Heavy fighting often leads to heavy paperwork. Who knew war came with such an extensive filing system?.
• Headline: GIFTS TO AMERICANS BY SHAH REPORTED. Impact: The revelation of widespread payments by the Shah's government could have inspired a new genre of 'payola' scandals, leading to the rise of conspiracy theorists everywhere. Thanks for the paranoia!. Fact: Senator Abourezk's findings remind us that nothing says 'trustworthy government' like a mountain of cash changing hands behind closed doors..