FEBRUARY 22, 1979

Full News Archive

• Headline: Locust Plague Threat in Asia and Africa Reduces. Impact: The locusts had their moment in the limelight, but their sudden disappearance led to a dramatic increase in grasshopper self-esteem, resulting in a decade-long reign of 'The Grasshopper Dominance.' Who knew insects had such a complex social structure?. Fact: In case you're wondering, locusts don't actually care about your personal life. They are too busy forming swarms and plotting world domination..
• Headline: Michigan Sues Hooker Chemical To Force a Cleanup of Pollutants. Impact: Michigan suing Hooker Chemical was the start of a long and glorious tradition of lawsuits. This led to an explosion of legal dramas on TV, and now we can’t escape courtroom shows where everyone is either a lawyer or a witness… and somehow, always a suspect.. Fact: This lawsuit is a reminder that when it comes to pollution, sometimes it takes a village… of lawyers..
• Headline: CREDIT MARKETS. Impact: The credit markets saga began a long chain of events that led to the birth of modern-day cryptocurrency. That's right, folks: if only they'd auctioned some Bitcoin back then, we could've avoided the entire 'to the moon' fiasco.. Fact: Treasury auctions are one of the few events where people actually celebrate the idea of debt. It’s like hosting a party for your credit card bills..
• Headline: UraniuM Disposal Site Discovered in Denver, The Fourth Such Find. Impact: The discovery of the radioactive site in Denver led to a sudden spike in superhero origin stories. Much like the Hulk, many now believe that if you stand close enough, you too might gain extraordinary powers. Spoiler: it mostly just leads to a lot of medical bills.. Fact: Fun fact: radioactive waste is basically nature's way of saying, 'Surprise! You should have read the fine print!'.
• Headline: Recital: Zara Nelsova Performs Lazarof Duo. Impact: Zara Nelsova's recital was the catalyst for millions of parents to force their children into music lessons, hoping to create the next prodigy. Little did they know, it mostly resulted in a flute with a lifetime of dust.. Fact: Cellists have been known to take on the role of 'the most sophisticated musicians,’ which basically means they can look serious while playing a giant instrument..