FEBRUARY 17, 1979

Full News Archive

• Headline: House Campaigners Score Easy Wins and Cash. Impact: This newfound cash windfall for campaigners led to an unprecedented rise in the 'money wins elections' theory, which ultimately resulted in politicians hiring professional fundraisers instead of actual policy makers. Thanks for nothing, democracy!. Fact: Did you know that if you raise enough money, you can actually buy yourself a seat in Congress? Just ask any politician with a super PAC!.
• Headline: City Ballet Presents Balanchine's Dream. Impact: Balanchine’s ballet made such a splash that it inspired a bizarre trend of modern adaptations, including a version featuring interpretive dance battles in corporate boardrooms. The corporate world was never the same.. Fact: Fun fact: Balanchine once considered replacing the fairies with corporate lawyers, but decided against it because 'nobody would believe that they could fly.'.
• Headline: Bus Driver Strike Sparks School Walkouts. Impact: The school walkouts sparked a nationwide trend of students protesting just about anything, leading to the eventual creation of the 'National Day of Not Doing Homework.' Some say this was the true birth of the modern teenager.. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'school bus strike' is just a polite way of saying, 'We’re tired of your nonsense, teachers!'?.
• Headline: U.S. Is Investigating Florida's Environmental Deals. Impact: This investigation led to a slippery slope of shady dealings across the nation, effectively making swamp land the hottest real estate in the U.S. within the next decade. Who knew marshes could be so lucrative?. Fact: Did you know that in Florida, 'wetlands' is just code for 'place where we can hide our questionable financial dealings'? You learn something new every day!.
• Headline: West Germans Sentence Terrorist Gang's Lawyer. Impact: Sentencing Klaus Croissant set a precedent that lawyers could actually be held accountable for their clients’ actions. It led to a bizarre world where lawyers started practicing law with a hint of ethics—truly a horror story.. Fact: Did you know that the Baader-Meinhof Gang was so infamous that their lawyer might as well have been a celebrity? They were all the rage at the underground parties!.
• Headline: 5 Persons in Louisiana Indicted On Charge of Vote‐Buying in 1978. Impact: The vote-buying scandal became a staple in the American political toolkit, paving the way for future generations to hone their skills in electoral fraud—because why do it right when you can do it wrong and still win?. Fact: Did you know that vote-buying is just the political equivalent of using cheat codes in video games? Some people just refuse to play fair..
• Headline: Yemen Fears Iranian Upheavals May Encourage Its Foe in South. Impact: Yemen's fears sparked a chain reaction of paranoia across the Middle East, resulting in a game of political dominoes that eventually left everyone wondering who was actually in charge. Spoiler: Nobody.. Fact: Did you know that the Soviet plan to dominate the South was actually just an elaborate scheme to acquire all the best falafel recipes? Priorities, people!.
• Headline: Farmers Stage a Protest Over Newspaper Reports. Impact: The tractor protest led to a sudden increase in tractor sales, as farmers realized they could make a statement while also cultivating their crops. Who knew activism could be so practical?. Fact: Did you know that burning newspapers is the original form of 'social media'? It’s just a very, very fiery way of getting your point across..
• Headline: OBSERVER. Impact: Russell Baker’s humorous take on winter made such an impact that it led to an increase in winter-themed comedies, forever changing the landscape of holiday entertainment. Sorry, Hallmark!. Fact: Did you know that winter is just nature's way of saying, 'Let’s see how much you really love hot chocolate!'?.