FEBRUARY 8, 1979

Full News Archive

• Headline: Tribute to Dr. Alfred W. Schwarz. Impact: Dr. Schwarz's expertise in pathology inadvertently led to a nationwide obsession with the phrase 'pathological' in political discourse. Thus, every time a politician lied, they could be referred to as 'pathological liars', forever altering the landscape of American politics. Fact: Did you know that being a hospital pathologist means you get to play detective without the fun of a magnifying glass? Talk about a grave situation!.
• Headline: IMF Auctions Gold for Developing Countries. Impact: The gold sale was so influential that it inspired a generation of hipsters to start investing in artisanal gold nuggets, leading to a bizarre gold rush of the '70s that almost turned into a reality show. Fact: Gold at $252.53 per ounce? Pssht, I guess that’s what happens when everyone forgets to check their bank accounts before going for a 'quick' investment!.
• Headline: Discovery of Genuine Norse Coin in Maine. Impact: The discovery of the Norse coin sparked an absurd competition among treasure hunters, culminating in the Great Viking Coin Heist of 1985, where a group of enthusiasts dressed as Vikings took over a museum. Fact: Finding a Norse penny is like finding a penny on the street but 400 years older; at least it’s got a better backstory!.
• Headline: Fudging Over the South Bronx. Impact: The decision to prioritize jobs over housing in the South Bronx created a ripple effect, leading to an influx of motivational speakers promising to 'inspire the workforce' while totally ignoring the actual needs of the community. Because who needs homes when you have 'inspiration'?. Fact: Ah yes, the classic 'let’s build factories' strategy—because nothing says economic revival like a factory that makes widgets nobody wants!.
• Headline: A Lack of Ski Bums Creates Labor Shortages at Resorts. Impact: The labor shortage at ski resorts led to the creation of the 'Ski Bum Replacement Program', where people were trained to act like ski bums but with slightly better hygiene and a more stable work ethic. It was a hit until they realized they preferred paycheck over powder. Fact: It's amazing how a lack of ski bums can cause labor shortages! Who knew that being lazy could lead to economic disasters?.
• Headline: POWELL GLASS JR.. Impact: Powell Glass Jr.'s contributions to the glass industry inspired a generation of artists to start using glass as a medium, leading to the Great Glass Art Movement of the 1990s, which was later deemed both brilliant and a bit too fragile. Fact: Being named 'Glass' must have been a bit of a pressure cooker situation—'Hey, don’t break under pressure!'.
• Headline: Alwyn N. Fischel, 80, an Ex‐Head Of Cocoa Exchange in New York. Impact: Alwyn Fischel's death led to a temporary crisis in the cocoa market, triggering a society-wide chocolate shortage that inspired a generation of DIY chocolate makers who thought they could run a chocolate factory in their kitchens. Spoiler: they couldn’t. Fact: Being the head of the Cocoa Exchange must have been sweet, but I wonder if he ever laughed at the irony of his last name!.
• Headline: Warren Giles Dies of Cancer at 82; Led National League for 18 Years. Impact: The passing of Warren Giles, who led the National League, created a vacuum in leadership that was quickly filled by a series of increasingly bizarre baseball mascots who tried to run the league from their respective dugouts. Fact: Warren Giles must have had a home run of a career—too bad he couldn’t hit that last pitch of life!.