JANUARY 30, 1979

Full News Archive

• Headline: Cauthen's Departure from Affirmed. Impact: Steve Cauthen's removal from Affirmed led to a series of horse racing fiascos where horses began to believe they could just run away from their responsibilities, resulting in a mass exodus of racehorses seeking freedom in the wild. We now have a horse commune in the Rockies.. Fact: Cauthen would later ride other horses, but none that would spark a revolution in equine independence. Guess he wasn't the 'horse whisperer' we thought..
• Headline: The Life of Brenda Spencer Unveiled. Impact: Brenda Spencer's notoriety led to a bizarre trend where neighbors began hosting 'gun safety' barbecues, resulting in the first-ever annual 'Guns and Grills' festival, where the only thing more dangerous than the grilled meat was the conversation.. Fact: Spencer's story is a grim reminder that sometimes your neighbors really do know too much about you—especially when it comes to your gun collection..
• Headline: Gov. Brown's Dynamic Presidential Potential. Impact: Gov. Brown's campaign efforts in '80 inspired a whole generation of politicians to repurpose their campaign slogans into motivational posters. 'Dynamic and Resourceful' became a favorite among office workers trying to survive Monday mornings.. Fact: Benjamin Stein later became more famous for his roles in 'Ferris Bueller's Day Off' than for his political insights. Because who doesn't want to hear economic advice from a high school principal's assistant?.
• Headline: New York Banks Lower Brokerage Loan Rates. Impact: When NY banks lowered loan rates, brokers started forming secret societies to toast their newfound savings. This led to the first-ever 'Broker's Ball,' which ended in chaos and a lot of bad dancing fueled by low-interest margaritas.. Fact: The last time banks lowered rates this much, disco briefly made a comeback. Coincidence? I think not..
• Headline: Iran Cancels Nuclear Plants. Impact: The cancellation of nuclear plants in Iran sparked a global trend of 'DIY nuclear energy' projects, where hobbyists attempted to build their own reactors in basements, leading to a sharp increase in YouTube tutorials on 'How to Not Blow Up Your House'.. Fact: Interestingly, this decision led to Iran investing more in traditional energy sources, which was a real shocker, considering how much they loved their nuclear ambitions..
• Headline: Cuevas Retains Title, Stopping Clark in Second. Impact: Jose Cuevas's knockout victory over Scott Clark became the catalyst for a bizarre reality show where boxers would compete not just in the ring, but also in cooking competitions. 'Knockout Chefs' was a short-lived phenomenon.. Fact: Cuevas later admitted that he'd only trained for the fight by watching cooking shows. Who knew culinary skills could translate to boxing prowess?.
• Headline: Statements at the Graveside. Impact: The graveside tributes were so touching that they inspired a new trend in funerals, where friends and relatives were encouraged to roast the deceased, leading to the awkwardly popular 'Funeral Roast' show that made even the reaper cringe.. Fact: The first funeral roast ended in chaos when the deceased’s favorite joke was revealed to be a pun—leading to a collective groan that echoed through the afterlife..
• Headline: New Debate Seen on Why Man First Walked Erect. Impact: The debate on bipedalism opened Pandora's box of theories, with experts arguing whether humans walked upright for survival or to better reach the cookie jar on the top shelf. This led to a shocking rise in cookie theft incidents among toddlers.. Fact: The original theory of bipedalism was that it allowed early humans to run from predators, but it turns out they were just trying to escape their own bad decisions—like wearing sandals with socks..
• Headline: American Express Lifts $34 Bid. Impact: American Express's aggressive bid for McGraw-Hill sparked a series of corporate takeovers that led to board meetings resembling reality TV drama, complete with dramatic exits and surprise alliances. The term 'corporate soap opera' was born.. Fact: Turns out, corporate takeovers are less about business strategy and more about who can throw the best tantrum in a boardroom. Who knew?.