JANUARY 23, 1979

Full News Archive

• Headline: SALT Treaty Campaign Funding Revealed. Impact: The money flowing into the SALT debate sparked a never-ending cycle of political donations, leading to the rise of super PACs which ultimately made it possible for a hotdog vendor to run for president in 2024. Because why not?. Fact: Did you know that money in politics is like water in a leaky bucket? It just keeps spilling out, but nobody seems to want to fix the leak..
• Headline: Presidential Housekeeping Costs Reveal Budgeting. Impact: The $100,000 paint job may have inspired future administrations to allocate ridiculous amounts of money for trivial things, paving the way for future presidents to request funds for ‘modern art’ in the Oval Office. It’s all about priorities.. Fact: For $100,000, you could paint your entire house, or, you know, just cover the White House in gold leaf. Decisions, decisions..
• Headline: The Theft Case at Pennsupreme Grocery. Impact: Shirley Onley’s theft saga became a cautionary tale, teaching future generations that when you steal, make sure you have a good hiding place. This pivotal moment led to the invention of better bank deposit chutes.. Fact: Fun fact: If you’re going to steal, at least don’t get caught with the loot stuck in the night depository. Talk about a bad day at work!.
• Headline: Reagan Backers Decide to Meet Issue of Age Early and Head On. Impact: Reagan's strategy of addressing his age head-on led to future politicians embracing their quirks, paving the way for a president who openly discusses their collection of vintage lunchboxes.. Fact: Did you know Ronald Reagan was the first president to suggest that age is just a number? Too bad that number was 69!.
• Headline: Research: A 12% Funds Increase To ‘Invest in the Nation's Future’. Impact: The increase in NIH funding led to a massive leap in medical research, eventually resulting in the creation of a pill that cures procrastination. Too bad it only works on Mondays!. Fact: Did you know that $3.15 billion could fund a small army of squirrels for research? Because everyone knows squirrels are the key to understanding the universe..
• Headline: Many Find Coercion in Cults Holds on Members. Impact: The discussion on coercion in cults contributed to the rise of self-help seminars, where people pay to be told they’re not in a cult. Ironically, isn’t that just another cult?. Fact: Fun fact: Cults are like potato chips; you can’t just have one! Also, they usually come with a side of questionable life choices..
• Headline: George A. Witch Dies; Worked for Y.M.CA. In China for Decades. Impact: George A. Witch’s work in China inspired a slew of Americans to embrace unusual professions, leading to a nationwide trend of people wanting to work for non-profits while wearing wizard hats.. Fact: Fun fact: George was a real-life wizard of humanitarian work, proving that you don’t need a wand to make a difference. Just a really good heart..
• Headline: Bookies, Bettors in A Mixup. Impact: The mixup at Meadowlands led to the eventual creation of the 'Human Error' award in horse racing, where the most ridiculous mistakes are honored annually. Who knew errors could be so entertaining?. Fact: Did you know that horse racing has more drama than a soap opera? And that’s without the mixups!.
• Headline: New York Clergymen Protest Catholic Stand. Impact: The protest against the Catholic Church's stance on abortion sparked a chain of interfaith dialogues that eventually led to the most awkward potluck dinner in history, where no one could agree on the main dish.. Fact: Fun fact: Protests are just group gatherings to air grievances—kind of like family reunions, but with more signs..