JANUARY 16, 1979

Full News Archive

• Headline: Genealogist Studies The Jewish Heritage Of Some Christians. Impact: Rabbi Malcolm Stem's genealogical work led to a massive increase in interest in ancestry testing. Fast forward a few decades, and now everyone is running around with test tubes trying to prove they’re 1% royal. Thanks, Rabbi!. Fact: If you think your family is boring, just wait until the DNA kit reveals you're related to an actual pirate. Talk about a family reunion!.
• Headline: Powerful Rivals Clash Over Sugar Price Supports. Impact: The sugar price support clash inadvertently set off a chain reaction leading to the rise of sugar alternatives and the eventual development of 'sugar-free' everything. This has led to a world where people are now addicted to sweeteners that sound like they belong in a science lab. Fact: Sugar is the only thing that can turn a perfectly normal human into a hyperactive toddler in seconds, but hey, who doesn't love a good sugar rush?.
• Headline: Aide Acquitted By State Justice Of Bribe‐Taking; ‘No Corrupt Intent’ Found in Taking Las Vegas Trip. Impact: The acquittal of Lee R Miller led to a surge in 'vacation bribes' in the political world. Soon, politicians were changing their names to 'Vacation Fund' and accepting trips in exchange for favors. Welcome to the modern political landscape!. Fact: If taking a vacation for free is a crime, then I guess my entire life is just one long series of felonies!.
• Headline: U.S.‐Canadian Textile Accord. Impact: The U.S.-Canadian Textile Accord led to a rivalry in fabric imports that sparked a fashion war. This ultimately culminated in the 'Fabric Olympics,' where countries would compete to see who could create the most ridiculous textile trends. Fact: Nothing says 'fashion statement' quite like a jacket made from 100% recycled potato chip bags. Thanks, textile negotiations!.
• Headline: Local Officials to Aid in Census. Impact: The measures taken for the census not only improved accuracy but also created an underground network of 'census whisperers' who now hold the power of knowledge over the fate of political districts. The 2020 election? Influenced by a secret society of census experts. Fact: Census-takers are basically the unsung heroes of democracy, unless you count that one guy who always answers the door in his pajamas.
• Headline: Hurdles Records Seem Limitless to Nehemiah. Impact: Nehemiah's record-breaking feats inspired a generation of athletes who believed hurdles were meant to be jumped over, not avoided. Fast forward to 2023, and we have a national obsession with obstacle courses, leading to a new sport: 'Hurdle Hopscotch.'. Fact: Hurdling is just a fancy way of saying 'running away from your problems'—with style!.
• Headline: November Inventories Up by 1.1%. Impact: The surge in inventories led to a cultural shift where people began hoarding goods in their homes. This was the birth of the modern-day 'Pantry Hoarder' phenomenon, which ultimately resulted in a reality TV series that no one asked for. Fact: When you stockpile $4.1 billion in goods, you might just be one step away from being featured on a new show called 'Hoarders: The Business Edition.'.