JANUARY 13, 1979

Full News Archive

• Headline: Discovering John J. Nietmann's Legacy. Impact: If John J. Nietmann had chosen to become a famous artist instead of an obscure individual, the entire art world might have taken a different turn, leading to a butterfly effect where modern art is now filled with his quirky, existential pieces instead of those pesky Warhols.. Fact: John J. Nietmann? Never heard of him? Neither has anyone else, but that’s the beauty of a common name—total anonymity..
• Headline: Col. Henry Fairfax Ayers: A Dual War Veteran. Impact: Col. Henry Fairfax Ayers' longevity might inspire a secret military program where officers are preserved in cryogenic chambers, leading to a world of 92-year-old generals giving orders to untrained recruits in the year 3000.. Fact: Ayers fought in both World Wars, which is impressive until you realize he probably had to endure the same boring war stories for decades..
• Headline: Remembering Daniel-Henry Kahnweiler. Impact: Daniel-Henry Kahnweiler's friendships with artists like Picasso might have led to an alternate universe where art is more about networking than talent, creating a world where Instagram influencers are the new Picassos.. Fact: Kahnweiler was 94 when he passed, which proves that even art dealers can have a better social life than most of us..
• Headline: 1 Panel Named for Major Inquiries. Impact: The appointment of judges to investigate high Fed officials could lead to a secret society of judges who take matters into their own hands, causing a revolution of legal battles that ends with everyone hiring their own judge as a life coach.. Fact: Remember, if you can’t solve a problem, just appoint a panel and hope they figure it out. Classic bureaucratic strategy!.
• Headline: Shirts Return Home to CBGB's. Impact: The return of Shirts to CBGB's might have inspired a resurgence of rock music that leads to a world where every coffee shop has a live band and vinyl records become the new currency.. Fact: Shirts performing at CBGB? If only they had a more creative name, like 'Funky Fabrics'—it might have changed their entire career trajectory..
• Headline: South Africa on the Ropes. Impact: Michael Tomson's article could have sparked a global movement against unfair sports policies, leading to the rise of 'Athlete's Rights Activism' and a new generation of athletes who refuse to play unless every condition is just right.. Fact: Pro surfing? A sport where you can be a rebel and still get sunburned. Talk about living on the edge!.
• Headline: Giants Get Final Word From Paterno: No. Impact: Joe Paterno's refusal to coach the Giants might have set off a chain reaction where all players start hiring famous coaches from other sports, leading to a bizarre new trend of NFL teams being coached by retired basketball legends.. Fact: Saying 'no' to coaching is the new 'yes' in a world where everyone is just trying to dodge responsibility..
• Headline: `Baroque Music Masters’ Directed by Judith Norell. Impact: Judith Norell’s direction of the Baroque Music Masters could have caused time travelers to flock to the 92nd Street Y, creating a Baroque Revival that alters the entire musical landscape and results in a new genre: Baroque-Pop.. Fact: Baroque music is just like a fancy dinner party—most people pretend to enjoy it while secretly wishing they were at a rock concert..
• Headline: State Dept. Is Told Bout Can't Be Halted. Impact: The decision to hold the bout with Bill Sharkey might have sparked a new trend in sports where legal battles take precedence over actual competition, turning lawyers into the new athletes of the future.. Fact: Can't stop a fight? Just call in the lawyers—because nothing says 'entertainment' like a battle of wits over a boxing ring..
• Headline: END OF STRIKE NEAR AT Si. LOUIS PAPERS; Deliverers Settle and Officials Say Sunday Editions Are Planned. Impact: The end of the strike at the St. Louis papers could lead to a renaissance of print media, causing a bizarre resurgence of typewriters and ink-stained fingers in a digital age.. Fact: Striking for better pay? How original! Because nothing says 'I care about my job' like a week-long vacation while everyone else struggles to get their news online..