JANUARY 12, 1979

Full News Archive

• Headline: New Rochelle's Image Makeover Initiatives. Impact: In a desperate attempt to shed its image, New Rochelle inadvertently inspired cities worldwide to adopt cringe-worthy slogans like "We're not as bad as you think!" which ultimately led to a global crisis of identity, causing cities to spend millions on rebranding campaigns involving neon signs and hipster cafes.. Fact: Cities have feelings too! That's why they hire PR firms to make them look more appealing than a dog in a sweater..
• Headline: NLRB Aide Found in Contempt of Court. Impact: The contempt ruling against Irving sparked a series of legal debates that eventually led to the creation of a secret underground society of union card hoarders, who believed they were the last bastion against corporate overlords—spoiler alert: they weren't.. Fact: Contempt of court is not nearly as exciting as it sounds; it mostly involves lawyers in suits looking extremely serious..
• Headline: Oil Crisis Contingency Plans Announced. Impact: The contingency plans for oil crisis led to an unexpected spike in the popularity of bicycles, as people decided that two wheels were better than the impending doom of gas shortages. This cycling craze eventually birthed a new Olympic sport: competitive bike dodging.. Fact: The Energy Department once considered a backup plan involving magic carpets, but they decided it was too impractical..
• Headline: P.S.C. Acts to Weigh Phone Rate Increases Totaling $240 Million. Impact: The PSC's decision on phone rate increases resulted in a nationwide trend of people yelling at their phones instead of actual customer service representatives, leading to a sudden increase in sales for stress balls.. Fact: Rate increases are the adult version of 'because I said so'—nobody likes it, but we all just have to deal..
• Headline: New Evidence Is Disclosed to Link Peptic Ulcers of Many to Heredity. Impact: The discovery linking peptic ulcers to heredity caused an uproar in family gatherings, where every meal turned into an interrogation of who was to blame for the family's digestive woes, resulting in the first-ever 'family ulcer' therapy sessions.. Fact: Turns out, worrying about your health is hereditary too—thanks, mom!.
• Headline: Art: Impressionist Among Englishmen. Impact: The exhibit 'Sculptor's Drawings' inadvertently led to a movement where artists began drawing their feelings instead of sculpting them, causing a brief but intense rise in emotional stick figures.. Fact: The term 'impressionist' was actually coined after a painter's first attempt at drawing a coffee cup—hilarity ensued..
• Headline: Advertising. Impact: The appointment of new advertising executives led to a series of bizarre marketing campaigns, including a failed attempt to sell ice to penguins, which later became a case study in 'What Not to Do in Advertising.'. Fact: Advertising is just a fancy word for 'trying really hard to convince you that you need something you didn't know existed.'.
• Headline: Children's Book Winners Named. Impact: The introduction of the Newbery Medal winners led to a sudden explosion of children’s book adaptations, resulting in a dystopian future where every beloved story is turned into a blockbuster film starring the same five actors.. Fact: The Westing Game is not about winning a game; it's about figuring out how to solve a murder mystery in a house that’s basically a giant escape room..