JANUARY 6, 1979

Full News Archive

• Headline: Union Negotiations Amid Wage Guidelines. Impact: Had Ed not urged that union agreement, we might have seen a world where oil workers became, I don't know, artisanal cheese makers instead. Imagine a society where the oil crisis was solved by a cheese shortage. Mmm, gouda politics!. Fact: Did you know that oil and cheese have a lot in common? Both can lead to sticky situations, especially when someone tries to spread them too thin!.
• Headline: NYC Considers Hospital Transfer to Archdiocese. Impact: If NYC had handed over that hospital, it could have led to a world where parishioners were treated with holy water instead of medicine. Who knew divine intervention could come with a co-pay?. Fact: Fun fact: Hospitals and churches both have a lot of healing power. One just has better Wi-Fi!.
• Headline: Daniel Nagrin's Vision of Camus' Fall. Impact: This production could have sparked an existential crisis in theater-goers, leading to a renaissance of philosophical plays where the audience spends more time contemplating their existence than actually enjoying the show.. Fact: Did you know 'Fall' is not just a play but also something you might do after sitting through a three-hour existential drama?.
• Headline: Rohatyn Urges More City Cuts Now to Avert ‘Surgery’. Impact: Had the city followed this advice, it might have led to a world where New York became the poster child for fiscal surgery—only, like all surgeries, it could have left some scars that would take decades to heal.. Fact: Did you know that budget cuts are like dieting? They promise great results but usually just leave everyone feeling a bit hungry and cranky..
• Headline: Giving Needy Cities What They Need. Impact: If this proposal had been embraced, we might have witnessed a surge in 'needy city' tourism. Think 'Cinderella cities' where visitors come to marvel at poverty while sipping artisanal coffee.. Fact: Fun fact: Cities in recession can often be seen as the hipster version of a vacation spot—affordable, authentic, and just a little bit tragic!.
• Headline: Eight Are Killed in Puerto Rico As Truck Strikes a Line of Cars. Impact: This tragic incident serves as a reminder of how quickly lives can change in an instant. It underscores the importance of road safety and awareness, not just for drivers but for everyone on the road.. Fact: In the wake of such tragedies, safety measures often get stricter. It's a grim reminder that it sometimes takes catastrophe to spark change in traffic laws..
• Headline: Education Board Fails 93 Schools On Absenteeism. Impact: This failure might have led to a future where truancy became so common that schools were replaced with online cat videos, because who needs education when you have feline antics?. Fact: Did you know that truancy rates are often linked to boredom? Maybe if schools had cat videos, attendance would skyrocket!.
• Headline: Data on ‘Sensitive’ F.B.I. Inquiries Reported Found in Guyana Ruins. Impact: This discovery could have sparked a new genre of conspiracy theories about the FBI operating undercover in cults. Imagine a world where every cult leader has a secret agent as their best friend.. Fact: Did you know that 'sensitive inquiries' is just bureaucratic speak for 'oops, we dropped the ball'? Sounds like every government agency's secret motto!.
• Headline: Hong Kong: Furor Over Fake Labels. Impact: The uproar over fake luxury labels might have led to an underground economy of counterfeit luxury items that were better than the originals. Who doesn't want a 'Gucci' handbag made from recycled pizza boxes?. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing worse than a fake label is thinking you bought the real deal. It's like finding out your 'Chanel' is actually from a discount bin!.
• Headline: ‘Mother Goose’ and Balanchine's ‘Ballo’ at City Ballet. Impact: This performance could have created an odd trend where fairy tales were reimagined as avant-garde ballets, leading to a future where Sleeping Beauty is just a metaphor for napping on stage.. Fact: Did you know that ballet dancers are just like Mother Goose? They both have a lot of stories to tell, but only one of them gets to wear a tutu!.