DECEMBER 30, 1978

Full News Archive

• Headline: Taiwan Negotiations Leave Key Issues Unresolved. Impact: This event sparked a series of diplomatic ‘who-can-hold-their-breath-the-longest’ competitions that have yet to resolve anything but made for some great reality TV moments.. Fact: Negotiations ended just in time for everyone to go back to their corners and resume the eternal game of international chess—except no one knows the rules..
• Headline: Cult Survivors Arrive in New York. Impact: The arrival of these cult survivors in NYC sparked a trend of urban 'spiritual awakenings', leading to the rise of countless hipster coffee shops where everyone pretends to be enlightened over overpriced lattes.. Fact: Flying into New York City is a cult classic—literally! It’s where all the cool cultists hang out. Who needs a commune when you have Brooklyn?.
• Headline: Oil Prices Soaring in Open Market As Iranian Export Supply Dwindles. Impact: The spike in oil prices led to the invention of the 'oil baron' persona, and subsequently, a reality show where wealthy tycoons compete to see who can hoard the most gasoline in a swimming pool.. Fact: At this rate, we might soon have a black market for olive oil—because who doesn’t want to pay double for something they can fry their eggplant in?.
• Headline: Food and Drug Administration Revises Liquid Protein Warning. Impact: The FDA's revision led to a brief explosion of liquid protein diets, only for people to realize that drinking your meals is basically just a sad way to sip on regret.. Fact: Liquid protein diets were so popular that they inspired a new flavor of ice cream—vanilla, with a hint of desperation..
• Headline: U.S. Attorney Names Mrs. Buchwald to Post. Impact: Mrs. Buchwald's appointment sparked a nationwide search for competent people in government, which, despite being a noble quest, ultimately resulted in more memes than actual changes.. Fact: In a world where everyone is vying for government positions, her name simply became a punchline—because who doesn't love a good Buchwald joke?.
• Headline: SHAH NAMES AN OPPOSITION LEADER TO HEAD CIVILIAN CABINET IN IRAN; OIL CUTOFF PUSHES UP WORLD PRICE. Impact: This political maneuver sent ripples through global oil markets, leading to the invention of the 'panic buy'—a phenomenon that has now become a staple during any hint of trouble.. Fact: It's ironic that while they were trying to stabilize their government, the price of oil decided to take a rollercoaster ride instead..
• Headline: U.S. Action Agency Is Assailed; Its Chief Senses Political Attack. Impact: The accusations of mismanagement led to a whole new generation of bureaucrats who manage to mismanage even more efficiently, now known as 'efficiently inefficient'.. Fact: In the world of government agencies, 'widespread mismanagement' is basically the equivalent of saying 'we're having a party and forgot to invite anyone who knows what they’re doing.'.