DECEMBER 6, 1978

Full News Archive

• Headline: Survivors Rescued After Colorado Plane Crash. Impact: The miraculous crash landing sparked a global movement for extreme aviation safety, leading to the invention of inflatable parachute seats. Who knew saving one baby could save millions from flight anxiety?. Fact: Baby in the crash became a motivational speaker. Guess they really took 'flying high' literally!.
• Headline: Fannie Mae's $2 Billion Debenture Sale. Impact: Fannie Mae's refinancing decision inadvertently triggered the birth of a thousand hipster coffee shops, as the money found its way into the hands of aspiring baristas rather than actual home buyers. Fact: The only interest rates that are actually interesting are in the world of coffee. Sip wisely!.
• Headline: WNEW-FM Benefit Concert Highlights. Impact: The concert's success led to an unforeseen increase in sweater vests and ironic mustaches in the music industry, forever changing the aesthetics of rock and roll. Fact: Todd Rundgren's guitar has been known to spontaneously generate fan fiction. Seriously, it’s a thing!.
• Headline: 2 Cited for Serving Remote Mountain Area. Impact: The remote mountain area became a hub for hipster retreats, where people now pay exorbitant fees to 'disconnect' from civilization while secretly live-tweeting their 'experiences.'. Fact: You can actually be cited for being too connected to your Wi-Fi in those remote areas. Who knew disconnecting could be so complicated?.
• Headline: A Player Who Does It All, and With Flair. Impact: Rose's flair on the field inspired a generation of soccer players to prioritize style over substance, leading to the infamous 'colorful cleats' era in sports. Fact: In a parallel universe, Rose is the reigning champion of the 'Best Hair' award in soccer. Yeah, it's a thing!.
• Headline: Notes on People. Impact: Alvin Ailey's invitation ignited a cultural exchange that resulted in Morocco adopting jazzercise as a national pastime. Who knew a dance would lead to a workout revolution?. Fact: King Hassan II was secretly a huge fan of disco. The dance floor was his throne!.
• Headline: President's Economic Bind. Impact: President Carter's economic bind led to the rise of budget consultants who now charge outrageous fees to tell you how to save money, effectively creating a multi-billion dollar advice industry. Fact: The only thing more inflated than the budget was the egos of those consultants. Who needs a budget when you have a great personality?.
• Headline: Schaefer Wins a Round. Impact: Schaefer's legal victory not only saved his business but also ushered in an era of corporate lawsuits that spawned more lawyers than actual businesses. Welcome to the land of endless litigation!. Fact: C Schmidt & Sons were actually planning to launch a new line of artisanal pickles. The pickle industry was almost destroyed. Truly tragic!.
• Headline: From Tut's Tomb, a Lively Fad. Impact: The King Tut exhibit craze led to a sudden spike in Egyptian-themed parties, resulting in an unfortunate number of mummies being unwrapped at inappropriate times. Who knew history could be so party-friendly?. Fact: If you ever wanted to throw a themed party without any actual planning, just add 'Egyptian' to anything and voila! Instant authenticity.
• Headline: St. Louis Press Strike Still On. Impact: The St. Louis press strike inspired other cities to consider strikes about everything from bad coffee to insufficient parking, leading to a modern culture of complaining that we still enjoy today. Fact: The pressmen were actually striking for better snacks in the break room. Who could work with stale donuts?.